Happy New Year!

So it's the last day of 2012. How have I spent my day? Playing Uncharted 3 nonstop. How am I going to spend my New Years Eve night? Watcthing WWE by myself. Oh well, I like being by myself. Even though I haven't written a blog in what feels like ten years, I decided to write one as a recap of 2012. It's been a crazy year, that's for sure. This year has been way better than 2011 was (I don't even want to talk about that year, that was the worst year of my life); and it's been way more than I expected it to be. Probably the biggest highlight of my year was my trip halfway across the country and back to Maine during the summer. To say that was just a highlight of the year is actually an understatement. It's actually been one of the top things to ever occur in my life, and I'm sure I'll remember it for as long as I'll live. A year ago today, I would've never thought that I could sit here right now and say that I've actually been halfway across the country and back in A CAR, and saw so many amazing things. That trip was a blessing for sure, and it changed my outlook on life. The second most important event that pops into my mind when I think about this year is July 21st, 2012. That's the day I went to WWE Smackdown, which was my sixth WWE live event. It was simply amazing, and like the Maine trip, I'll remember it for the rest of my life. Plus I have my Punk shirt which is freaking fantastic and it serves as a reminder of that awesome day. Not much really comes to mind when I think of this last year except for the things listed above. You're probably thinking "Wow, she has no life. What a bland year." But actually, that's the complete opposite for me, because I usually don't go anywhere or do anything exciting. Of course, there are a couple of bad things that occured during the year, but I'm not going to focus on those because the positivity of the year outshines them. Overall, 2012 was a great year and I'm excited to see what 2013 brings! Happy New Year!

Answering These Questions.

Because I'm going to go insane if I stay on Facebook and fight with ex-family even more. So here we go. 1. What's your favorite candle scent? Vanilla. 2. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister? Victoria Justice, she's my favorite actress. 3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother? Probably Carlos Pena. I would say James Maslow or Logan Henderson, but it would be kind of awkward to want to marry your brother. 4. How old do you think you'll be when you get married? Hopefully around 25 to 30. I think that's a good age. 5. Do you know a hoarder? Kind of. 6. Can you do a split? No, I'd break my leg omg. 7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike? Too long ago to remember. 8. How many oceans have you swam in? I didn't really swim in it, but my feet were in the Atlantic Ocean on June 17th, 2012. ♥ 9. How many countries have you been to? Just one, USA. :) 10. Is anyone in your family in the army? Yes. 11. What would you name your daughter if you had one? Probably Amanda or Ashley. 12. What would you name your son if you had one? This is kind of hard. Logan I think. Or Joe. 13. What's the worst grade you got on a test? F hahaha. 14. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child? Drake and Josh or Spongebob. 15. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight? How am I supposed to know? I'll just go with what I was this year. I was a ladybug. 16. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series? No, I think they are all stupid. 17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent? American. I hate British accents for certain reasons which I will not say in case one of my friends is reading this. (If you are, please don't murder me Anna.) 18. Did your mother go to college? Nope. 19. Are your grandparents still married? Well yes but death split them apart. 20. Have you ever taken karate lessons? No. 21. Do you know who Kermit the frog is? Sure. 22. What's the first amusement park you've been to? This is sad. I don't think I've ever been to one. 23. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in? Italian. That would be awesome. 24. Do you spell the color as grey or gray? Gray. I do get confused sometimes though and spell it the other way. I'm not even sure which one is right though. 25. Is your father bald? Lol, he's like 90% bald, and I tease him all the time about it. 26. Do you know triplets? Yep. One of my best friends in elementary school was a triplet. 27. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook? I haven't seen either one. 28. Have you ever had Indian food? Ew, no. 29. What's the name of your favorite restaurant? Pizza Hut. I'm going there for lunch today actually. :) 30. Have you ever been to Olive Garden? Yes, I didn't like it though. 31. Do you belong to any warehouse stores (Costco, BJ's, etc.)? Nope. 32. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender? Bryce. Yucky, I know. 33. If you have a nickname, what is it? Well I get called Betty by a dude that I call Brenda. 34. Who's your favorite person in the world? My Grandma on my dad's side. 35. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs? Suburbs. 36. Can you whistle? Actually yes even though I used to not be able to. 37. Do you sleep with a nightlight? Nope. 38. Do you eat breakfast every morning? Not really. Mainly only during the weekdays. 39. Do you take any pills or medication daily? Since I've been in and out of the doctor like 5 times in the last month, I've been on and off meds, but I don't take one every single day. 40. What medical conditions do you have? I have Low Blood Pressure, and I believe that I have something else wrong with me, but I haven't been able to go to the doctor to have it diagnosed. 41. How many times have you been to the hospital? I have no clue. 42. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo? No. So many people get mad at me for that, but I hate watching movies. 43. Where do you buy your jeans? Mainly Kohl's. I love that place. 44. What's the last compliment you got? I can't even remember, it was so long ago. 45. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning? Sometimes if they are really good or really strange. 46. What flavor tea do you enjoy? Sweet tea. 47. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own? Oh gosh, probably like 5. 48. What religion will you raise your children to practice? Christian. 49. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn't real? Around 9 I think. 50. Why do you have a tumblr? BECAUSE TUMBLR IS AWESOME. And I don't just have one tumblr, I have five.

English teacher.

Wow, it's been an extremely long time since I've written anything in here. I'm just really upset right now, and for me this is the best way to take it out. I'm going to be straightforward about this. My english teacher is a complete hypocritical bitch. I've tried my best in there, and she still fails me. In fact, my grade has dropped 6 points in the last two assignments. Why? Because she gave me F's. You're probably thinking "Well, you must be doing something wrong then or you turn in low quality work". That is completley incorrect. I work my hardest on every single assignment I do. I've never turned in an assignment that I didn't try hard on. I've followed every one of her directions exactly on how to do the assignments, but she still gives me an F on them. I can't handle this anymore. I want to make something of my future and go to college. It seems as if she wants to destroy my dreams. Not only is she giving me F's, she's being a total bitch about it too, writing comments on my assignments. Plus she talks down to us like we are two years old, and that's one of the things I hate the most. I can't stand people that do that. I'm actually very mature for my age, and that pisses me off when people do that. She acts like she is so much better than us. The bad part is that I have to deal with her after lunch, and I don't know if I can put up with that today. I don't know what to do. And to you bitch, if you ever see this, I have two words. Fuck you.

Procrastination Wins Again.

I have an Art Appreciation powerpoint that I need to do. It's due Thursday. I haven't even began working on it. Oops. So instead of working on it since I'm sitting in Study Hall right now, I'm writing a blog and listening to music. Wow. Do know how I feeeeel? Sorry. That was part of the song that I'm listening to. omg James Maslow. Freaking marry me already you flawless human. IM WEEPING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIBRARY SOMEONE MAKE IT STOP

A Quick Question.

Why can't girls be just friends with boys? Why does everyone automatically think that you're dating just because you're friends with a boy? Gosh. This makes two times. Two times that someone has asked us if we were dating. Then it gets awkward, and we say no. Then you just have to say "but you guys should then!" No. We are friends. That's it.

Stop Your Freaking Bullshit.

Before I seriously flip out. I have enough crap to deal with, I don't need everyone elses. I'm done. I don't give a shit anymore.

100 Truths.

I saw this on Facebook, and decided that I'll fill it out since I'm bored. 100 Truths.. WHAT WAS YOUR: 1. Last beverage: Water 2. Last phone call: My grandma. 3. Last text message: Like forever ago from my grandma. 4. Last song you listened to: "Curiosity" by Carly Rae Jepsen 5. Last time you cried: About 3 hours ago. HAVE YOU EVER: 6. Dated someone: Nope. 7. Been cheated on: No. 8. Kissed someone & regretted it: No. 9. Lost someone special: Yes. A lot of times. 10. Been depressed: Yes. 11. Been drunk and threw up: Nope. People who do that are stupid. I've seen enough of that in my lifetime. LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS: 12: Black 13: Pink 14: White THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made a new friend: Yep 16. Fallen out of love: Nope 17. Laughed until you cried: Yes, watching the Gangnam Style music video. 18. Met someone who changed you: Kind of. It's not really the people that changed me though, it's the place. 19. Found out who your true friends were: Kind of, even though I already knew. 20. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes. 21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: Nope. 22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: All of them. 23. How many kids do you want: Maybe 2. I'm not sure yet. 24. Do you have any pets: No. 25. Do you want to change your name: Yes, because no one spells it or pronounces it right. 26. What did you do for your last birthday: Went out for dinner then cried for about an hour. 27. What time did you wake up today: 6:10 a.m. 28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Sleeping. 29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: Christmas. 30. Last time you saw your Mother: right now. 31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Too many things to list. 32. What are you listening to right now: The tv. I should put my headphones in. 33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yep, that's my cousin. 34. Who's getting on your nerves right now: I'm not going to say names or else I'd have the whole city pissed at me. 35. Most visited webpage: tumblr.com. 36. Whats your real name: I'm not telling you. Let's just go with Burrito. 37. Nicknames: Don't really have one. Some people call me weird though. 38. Relationship Status: Secretly married to four dudes, they just don't know it yet. 39. Zodiac sign: Aries. 40. Male or female: Female. 41. Primary School: You're a stalker. I'm not telling you. 42. Secondary School: It was poopy. 43. High school/college: I'm in it right now. Poooooooopy. 44. Hair color: Brown 45. Long or short: I want it shorter. 46. Height: According to the doctors last Thursday, I'm 5 foot 7 and a half. 47. Do you have a crush on someone: Oh yes. 48. What do you like about yourself: I'm strange. 49. Piercings: None. 50. Tattoos: None. 51. Righty or lefty: Righty. FIRSTS: 52. First surgery: Never had any. 53. First piercing: I don't have any. 54. First best friend: Sam. I miss her like crazy. I have absolutely no clue where she went. 55. First sport you joined: Sports are lame. I've never been in one. 56. First vacation: Pshh I've never had a "vacation". And for anyone who knows me personally, that trip in June was NOT a vacation. I worked my ass off. 58. First pair of trainers: What? RIGHT NOW: 59. Eating: Gum. 60. Drinking: Water. 61. I'm about to: Go to the bathroom. 62. Listening to: I already answered this didn't I? 63. What time is it: 7:11 p.m. YOUR FUTURE: 64. Want kids: Sure. 65. Get married: Yes. 66. Career: Something where I make boatloads of money so I can buy a sombrero. WHICH IS BETTER: 67. Lips or eyes: Eyes. 68. Hugs or kisses: Hugs. 69. Shorter or taller: Taller. 70. Older or Younger: Older I guess 71. Romantic or spontaneous: Romantic. 72. Nice stomach or nice arms: Stomach. 73. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive. Loud people piss me off. 74. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship. HAVE YOU EVER: 76. Kissed a stranger: No. 77. Drank hard liquor: No. Yuck. 78. Lost glasses/contacts: I don't wear either. 79. Sex on first date: Nope. 80. Broken someone's heart: Well hopefully not. 82. Been arrested: No. 83. Turned someone down: Yep. 84. Cried when someone died: Of course. Way too many times. 85. Fallen for a friend: Nope. DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 86. Yourself: Sometimes. 87. Miracles: Yes. 88. Love at first sight: *Blushes and giggles* yes. 89. Heaven: Yes. 90. Santa Claus: I used to, until I discovered those to and from labels weren't actually signed by Santa. 91. Kiss on the first date: Depends. 92. Angels: Not sure. ANSWER TRUTHFULLY: 94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: Oh please, I can't even get a boyfriend much less more than one. 95. Did you sing today: No, I only sing when people aren't around. 96. Ever cheated on somebody: No. 97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go: 6th grade. 98. The moment you would choose to relive: There are many. Maybe when he sung to me. *starts uncontrollably giggling and blushing again omg stop* 99. Are you afraid of falling in love: No. 100. Are you afraid of posting this as 100 truths: No, because no one's going to read it anyway.

Negativity.

I'm not going to lie, I think and speak negatively a lot. I'm trying to change that though, because it does nothing but bring you and the others around you down. People have troubles of their own, they don't need even more negativity from a friend or family member on top of that.

I read somewhere a few days ago that when you wake up, you should say and/or think something positive to get your day started off right. I agree with this. Instead of waking up and thinking "It's Monday, this sucks", think of something positive. Whether it's something that you're excited about that's not even going to happen weeks or a month from now, think about it. "Only so many days until that, I can't wait!" Or maybe you wake up and you look in the mirror and think "Wow, my hair didn't turn into an afro while I was sleeping, awesome!"

Also I hate it when people let one negative thing ruin their day. Sometimes it gets real bad and ruins their week, their month, their life. Don't let that happen. If you focus too much on the negative things, you'll never get to see the positive. Positivity is the key to being happy. Negativity makes you sad. It's simple.

I know I probably sound like some lame motivational speaker idiot that preaches how good it is to be positive and not to be sad, get glad. That's not why I'm writing this. I'm writing this because I'm fed up with negative people. Like I previously mentioned, when you're negative you're not only bringing your self down, you're bring the people around you down. This can cause a number of problems. When you believe that things will never get better, it's like poison. Repeating that to yourself is going to eventually make you believe that things are never going to get better, even though they more than likely are. I don't understand why people constantly complain about how things suck and will never get better. How do you know that they will never get better? Do you have some magical time machine that lets you travel to the future to find out? If so, let me borrow it. But seriously, things will get better. One of my favorite quotes is "it might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever". That quote basically explains what I just talked about.

From today on, I'm going to try to be more positive.
Unless you make me mad, then I'll hit you with a bag of potatoes.

Its not even my birthdayyyy!

Don't ask.
But seriously though, it's not.
Not for another 7 months.
Wow, that's like forever from now.

SCOOTER TIME!

Until next time, take care and wear your sombrero or else I will find you and give you a free bag of potatoes because I'm such a generous person.
You're welcome.

Oh No.

Hello there.

I drove for the first time ever yesterday, and I'm still alive to talk about it (shocking, I know)! My dad said that I did really good. I went in the parking lot of the school I go to. My dad kept saying to give it gas, so I ended up going almost 40 miles per hour in a parking lot haha. I didn't run into anything or anyone though, so that's good. There was some strange lady who looked at me like I was insane, so I looked back at her with a funky expression on my face. She got terrified and left.

That was how I spent my labor day.

Today I was told something freaky by one of my friends. That's why the title of this blog is "Oh No". Apparently someone who I only think of as a friend only likes me as more than just a friend. Craaaaaap. This happened last year too, but that dude wasn't my friend. He was a creep. Why can't the person that I like be the person that likes me instead of someone else? Ugh. Sorry if I confused you, that's even confusing to me.

I'll just go with the flow I guess.
Wish me luck.

Must Refrain From Blogging.

Oh screw it.

OOH BABY
IT FEELS LIKE
IT FEELS LIKE
THE MUSIC SOUNDS BETTER WITH YOUUU BABY
IT FEELS RIGHT
IT FEELS RIGHT
EVERYTHINGS BETTER WITH YOU

Just An Average Saturday Night.

Wait, it's Saturday right?
Yes.
Sorry about that.
Oh wait, my laptop charger just got yanked out.
Crap.

I'm back.
I'm lost.
I forgot what I was going to blog about.

Never mind.
I'm officially one of the strangest 16 year olds ever. Normal people in my grade are out partying right now. Or at a sleepover with their "besties". I'm sitting on my couch listening to "Dead or Alive" and wondering why. The thing is even if I was one of those kind of people and got invited to things, what would I do? Probably not go.
Simply because I love being by myself.
I can't explain it. People make me sick. Honestly, if I am around people for too long, I end up wanting to smack everyone. I prefer to be by myself. People piss me off. At least when I'm by myself I don't have to listen to whiny idiotic people who do nothing but fart all day. I know I'm exaggerating, I do that a lot. But I'm just trying to make my point across.

It does get me mad, sometimes even very mad and upset, that I'm not one of those people that actually do things with their friends. People don't want to be around me anymore than I want to be around them. Once I think about it though, I'd rather be the lonely girl who sits on the couch listening to music, scrolls through tumblr, and bids on useless junk on ebay. Being by myself just feels better.

I know being this way isn't going to help me any later in life, but I honestly don't care. Because being by myself gives me tons of time to think about the future and my dreams. And if my dreams do come true, people are going to be flipping shocked. So be prepared. No one knows about what goes on in my head, and I prefer to keep it that way. Alone. I like it.

No, my name is not Joseph, strange dude on TV.
See? I even talk back to my TV.

If anyone does read this, which would put me into a severe state of shock if anyone does, you're probably thinking I'm an absolute nutcase. I'm not.
I'm just different.
It's good to be different.
And if you don't like that, too freaking bad.

Adios, people.

8/28/12

I couldn't think of a title for this blog, so I just typed the date. I know, lame.

I'm sitting in study hall right now. Yep, I finally got switched out of P.E.! After a week of trouble, my mom took me to my medical doctor and he wrote me out a note. It's nice to be somewhere nice and quiet, at a table all by myself. Only thing that's wrong is that it's freezing in here haha.

Ever since my trip halfway across the country, I've decided to try to be more positive. Negativity got me absolutely nowhere. If you have a negative outlook in life, only do negative things, and just be cranky, that's going to spread. It's not going to improve your mood any, or the mood of anyone around you. If you're positive, that will spread also. But it's always better to have positivity than negativity. Ok, I'm going to change the subject because even I think that I'm starting to sound like one of those crazy people that preach how important things are. Basically, my goal is to get rid of all of the negativity in my life. I know that's not going to completely happen, but I might as well try.

Today is Tuesday. I had no idea why I wrote that, but if you didn't know that today is Tuesday, now you know.

I'm hoping the teacher in here for Study Hall counted me here, because I don't remember hearing my name or anything. Yikes.

I'm looking forward to Health ll today. For some reason I love that class, even though I don't want to have an occupation in the health field because that kind of stuff grosses me out. Today we are going to start a project on mental/personality disorders. I'm excited for that. I think I'm going to do Avoidant Personality Disorder if I can. That should be exciting.

Then after Health, I have Food Science which I also love. Even though we have a test in there today, I'm hoping that we cook something. On the first day of school, the teacher made us some amazing brownies. Then last week, we made popcorn on the stove. It was awesome.

My shoe keeps falling off.

Freaking Seriously.

I'm getting pretty damn sick and tired of trying to help people and it does no good.
Screw it, I'm not going to waste my time no longer worrying about stuff that I guess is out of my control.

Time to worry about myself, and myself only.

I'm not happy.

Dinner.

Thank goodness that's over.
That meaning dinner with grandma.

I get pretty pissed and upset when people think it's fine to talk about my grandpa who passed away not even a year and a half ago, and expect me to be fine about it. I'm not ok. I'm not going to lie, there's not a day that has gone by since his death that I haven't almost cried/have cried because I miss him so much. Talking about it doesn't help, it only makes it worse.

Especially when I'm trying to eat, and all I hear is "I should have done this, he would still be alive", "Oh, I wish I would've known how bad he was, I would've came down and said goodbye" and just a bunch of crap that makes me extremely upset.

What am I supposed to do? Just sit there like I don't hear a word they say? No.
I can't do that.
It's forced into my brain over and over again.

Then when I force the last bit of food into my mouth and quickly get up from the table and run to the bathroom, they ask "Did I upset her?"
Well what do you think?

Because you freaking did.

Quick Post Before School.

I have to get ready for school in about ten minutes, so this is going to be fast. I felt like writing a blog though.

I think I wrote in a previous blog that I was trying to get out of P.E. for medical reasons. Well the cardiologist's nurse and all of the dumbass people at school are making that close to impossible. I will get out of that class. If I have to be dramatic and fall right over on the floor, I will. It's bullshit anyway. How freaking hard is it to put me in a different class? What's the big deal about P.E. anyway? Why are they acting like I'm going to die if I don't take it?

Ugh.

Then I have a crappy day after lunch. I hate English class, the teacher is one of those one teachers that make you work in groups all the time, and I have no friends in there. Plus the teacher goes WAY too fast. I'm a fast person, but she is too fast. I only got to write about half of the notes down because she was talking so fast and expected us to remember everything she was saying.

So hello F's. I'll probably be seeing you soon.
Thanks a lot.
There goes my GPA, and my brain.

First Day Of School

First of all I want to apologize in case this has any spelling/grammar errors, I'm typing on my Samsung Galaxy Player (which is freaking awesome) and it doesn't have spell check.

Today was the first day of school (as you probably found out from the title of this). It was surprisingly an ok day considering I almost barfed before I even left the house this morning because I was so freaked out.

The only think that sucks though is that they put me in P.E. second period. I hate P.E., plus I have fainting problems caused by drops in my blood pressure. So my mom is going to flip out on the office people tomorrow. I don't think that's going to end well, because you need a doctor's note to be excused from P.E, and I don't have one.

The rest of the day was awesome though, I had a class with two of my friends, then nearly fell off my chair laughing in Health class because me and some nerd were discussing scooter chairs and electric tambourines. Then last period the teacher made us brownies. Really freaking good brownies.

Tomorrow should be another memorable experience.

It hasn't really clicked in my head that I'm back in school yet. What's even crazier is that all I have left is this year and next year. That's it. Then so long, suckers.

I better get going, or else I'm going to get less sleep than I got last night. That's not a good thing.

Oh my gosh, those people on T.V. just had to say "banner", didn't they?

On that note and until next time, BANNER GRADIENT! (I don't expect anyone to understand that. I'm a nerd.)

Tomorrow.

School starts tomorrow. It freaking sucks. I think it's complete crap that we have to start so early. I'm not looking forward to it at all. Today will be the last day that I spend at my Grandma's and it's going to be really hard not to cry. She's been my best friend, therapist, basically everything this whole summer, and now I'm not even going to be able to see her because I'm going to be in shitty school.

Yeah, this sucks.

Then after I leave there, I have to act like everything's just peachy because I have a hair appointment immediately after I leave. If I didn't, I would go straight home and lock myself in the bathroom and probably cry for who knows how long.

This next thing right here is really shocking. My dad used to take me to the driving range to practice hitting golf balls a lot in the past. I ended up hating it, so I haven't went for about three to five years. Well, last night he told me that some of my cousins and him were going tonight, and asked me if I wanted to go. I said yes. Honestly I find no excitement in golf, but I figured it will just be a way to get my mind off of school for a little bit. Even if I can't, I can just act like the golf balls I'm hitting are some of those idiots at school that I can't stand. Plus it gives me something to do. Maybe it will take some of this anger away.

Bottom line: school fucking sucks. Tomorrow is going to suck. The idiot crappy bitch dumbasses at school suck. The only thing I'm even one percent excited about is wearing a new outfit, that's it. I'm not ready to face all of those nimrods. They act like they are interested in how your summer was, when honestly they don't give a fuck. So here's to another year of putting up with more stress on top of already enough stress. Also to drama, fights, homework which I procrastinate on, friends, liars, embarrassing myself in front of everyone because I hate public speaking, and other things that I'm too forgetful to mention right now.

I'm just thrilled. WOO HOO.
Not.

So Fed Up.

I am so freaking sick and tired of being called "skinny" by that ignorant asshole. "Oh, you need to eat more." WELL CANT YOU FUCKING SEE THAT IM EATING MORE THAN ENOUGH GOSH YOU DUMBASS. Just because I'm not ten thousand pounds like you would like does NOT mean that I'm skinny.

So shut the fuck up and worry about your own self, or else you're going to have a lot more then just my weight to worry about.

Also, it's kind of ironic that this is coming from the person that called me a "fat rhino" a year and a half ago.

Yeah bitch, what now.

Guess What Time It Is?

Well, it's technically 7:18 a.m., but for me it's questions and answers time because I'm really bored.

1. What is your best friends name? Grandma.
2. What color underwear/boxers wearing now? Purple haha.
3. What are you listening to right now? The computer sounding like it's going to explode.
4. Whats your favorite number? Probably 26.
5. What was the last thing you ate? Fruit Loops.
6. If you were a crayon what color would you be? Black. Or bright pink.
7. How is the weather right now? It's currently 62 degrees and partly cloudy.
8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My grandma.
9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? How they act.
10. Do you have a significant other? No.
11. Favorite TV show? WWE Monday Night Raw.
12. Siblings? None.
13. Height? I think 5'7 or 5'8.
14. Hair color? Brown. I hate it.
15. Eye Color? I honestly don't know. Some people say green, some people say brown so whatever.
16. Do you wear contacts? No.
17. Favorite Holiday? Christmas.
18. Month? Either April (my birthday), or July because summer vacation.
19. Have you ever cried for no reason? Yes.
20. What was the last movie you watched? Oh gosh, I haven't watched a movie in probably three months. Despicable Me I guess in English class.
21. Favorite Day of the Year? My birthday.
22. Are you too shy to ask someone out? Yes.
23. Can you do a headstand (not using the wall)? No. I'd break my head.
24. Hugs or Kisses? Hugs.
25. Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla.
26. Do you want your friends to respond to this? I don't care, they probably won't even see it.
27. Who is most likely to respond to a text from you? My grandma.
28. Who is least likely to respond to a text from you? Myself. I never text haha.
29. What books are you reading? None.
30. Piercings? None.
31. Favorite movies? Alvin and The Chipmunks. (They're cute ok.)
32. Favorite football Team? I don't watch football, but strangely there is one team I do cheer for, but I'm not going to say it because then my secret will be known to the world.
33. What are you doing right now? Sitting here answering these questions.
34. Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn? Butter.
37. Dogs or cats? DOGS. I freaking love dogs. I don't know if it's just because I'm not used to cats or something, but sometimes they freak me out. Like, they have funky attitudes.
38. Favorite flower? Daisy.
39. Been caught doing something you weren't supposed to do? Yep.
40. Do you have a best friend of the opposite sex? Not really.
41. Have you ever loved someone? I don't know. Sometimes it feels like it.
42. Who would you like to see right now? A lot of people.
43. Are you still friends with people from kindergarten? No, they all moved. It sucks.
44. Have you ever fired a gun? I've fired a water gun, does that count?
45. Do you like to travel by plane? No. The only way I'll ever get into a plane is if I'm going to Wrestlemania or a BTR concert. I'm terrified of planes.
46. Right-handed or Left-handed? Right.
47. How many pillows do you sleep with? Four lol.
48. Are you missing someone? Yes. Have been for over a year now.
49. Do you have a tattoo? Nope. I don't like tattoos unless you're C.M. Punk.
50. Anybody on Tumblr that you'd go on a date with? No.

FANGIRLING

I can barely type right now omg.

CODY FREAKING RHODES ANSWERED MY QUESTION AHHHHHHHHH.

(Skip to 5:35 to hear it) The interviewer dude even said my name, and Cody said "that's a very good question" CODY RHODES CALLED MY QUESTION GOOD I CANT BREATHE.

http://media.ccomrcdn.com/media/station_content/1000/WWE_Cody_Rhodes_71712_1342621570_30936.mp3

How Pissed I Am.

I'm listening to extremely heavy metal right now.
I strongly dislike heavy metal.
But not nearly as much as I strongly strongly strongly dislike that bitch at the second though.

Screw everything.

And by everything, I mean you, bitch.

Weight.

One more person comments shit about my weight and I'm going to backhand them so freaking hard. I'm serious.

And for that other bitch, FUCK YOU.

Hyperness/Fangirling Part Two

NEVER let me blog when I'm this hyper.
Whatever.

LOOK IN MY EYEEES WHAT DO YOU SEE

this perfect human: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XPwL8rbLME

Ever since I went to Smackdown live two weeks ago, I've been inspired by C.M. Punk sooo much.
I don't even know why, it's just like something in my brain clicked. I admire and completely agree with his straight edge lifestyle. It's truly inspirational. To see what he's came from and now he's the WWE Champion is just amazing. He is the greatest in the world.

Here's a picture I took of him kicking Kane in the face two weeks ago when I went to Smackdown:

"A whole bunch of people told me that if I went to WWE, I’d never make it. But it’s like I never heard them. I never listened. To me, I’m exactly where I belong. I feel like I was born to do this. Whatever your walk in life is, you pick what you want to be, then go ahead and be the best one." -CM Punk

Another thing about him is that he speaks his mind, which I've been afraid to do for so long. Because of him, I spoke up and told part of my family how I feel, and I didn't give a crap if they had problems with that (which they did). Half of my family doesn't even speak to my grandma, mom and I anymore because I did that. I don't give a shit though, because they've always been nothing to me. So I want to thank C.M. Punk for inspiring me to speak my mind. It's always better to let out a pipebomb then hold one in.

My mom actually called me Mrs. C.M. Punk a few days ago when I was wearing my Punk shirt.

So I guess I'll end with this.

Have a great night.

-Mrs. C.M. Punk. (That sounds extremely creepy and I don't mean it in that way, because I honestly don't want to get married to him, nor will I ever have the chance to even meet him. It's just a joke.)

Weirdness.

Blame Pizza Hut for this soon to be jumbled mess of hyperness.

I just ate way way way too much pizza and I'm spazzing like a fangirl squirrel who's had twenty gallons of coffee.

This happens when I have pizza.
Because pizza is my best friend.

Then I decided to make sweet tea and for some reason it looks really light but it's still good and sugary hahaha hyperness is so great.

Usually I'm not this illiterate but I guess this is what happens when pizza overdose kicks in.

*Takes a sip of tea.*
*Ice cube hits my nose*

DID YOU SEE THAT? THE ICE CUBE HIT MY NOSE!!! HAHAHAH IT WAS COLD

sorry.

C.M. Punk is the freaking greatest in the world.
I'm such a fangirl.
He's seriously the greatest though, the shirt I have even says that. I'm not lying.
I wish I could meet him to tell him how much he has inspired me and how much I agree with his lifestyle.

You probably think I'm strange.
I probably am.
*rambles on and on in my head about how there's a psycho squirrel in my backyard with a tail that's abnormally long.*
But there is.

That squirrel has issues. Many issues.
More issues than some magazines. (I know I'm lame.)

WHAT WAS THAT NOISE

More Questions.

I always find these on Tumblr, so I just answer them here since no one ever asks me questions on tumblr. (I have four tumblr accounts by the way, if you're a wwe fan you should follow www.heelmiz.tumblr.com) Haha, I should stop advertising for myself.

1: The last person you kissed screams they love you, you say... I don't even remember the last person I kissed because there isn't a last person I kissed.
2: Did you get to sleep in today? No. I wake up at 6:30 on weekdays. (Yes it's summer, but it's not my choice. I got to do what I got to do.)
3: You never know what you got until you lose it? Yes.
4: Do you have siblings? Nope. Only child.
5: How many kids do you want? About two.
6: Who was the last person you held hands with? Myself.
7: Did you stand on your tippy-toes for your last kiss? Once again, what kiss?
8: Do you think if you died, the last person you kissed would care? No, because I didn't kiss anything.
9: Last person to talk on the phone? Grandma.
10: Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone? Oh my gosh, if all of these questions are going to be about kissing, I'm going to kiss my hand or something and just say my hand.
11: When’s your birthday? April 6th.
12: Remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed? Seriously.
13: What kind of phone do you have? A sucky one that I don't even use.
14: Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants? Pajama pants.
15: Are you a different person now than you were 5 years ago? Yes. Way different.
16: What were you doing at 4 am? Sleeping.
17: Would you rather write a paper or give a speech? Write a paper. I hate public speaking.
18: Are you lying to yourself about something? Yes.
19: Last night you felt…? Bored because Monday Night Raw was actually quite boring last night.
20: What’s something you cannot wait for? When I become rich.
21: Ever told your parents you were going somewhere but when somewhere different? No, because I never get away from them.
22: How many hours of sleep did you get last night? 8 1/2.
23: Are you a morning or night person? Neither. I'm an afternoon person.
24: What did you get your last bruise from? Myself.
25: Do you reply to all of your texts? No.
26: Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for. What do you do? Flip out and think he seriously has some good stalking abilities. Then probably faint and lay on the floor twitching and end up in the hospital after suffering from a heart attack because I'd be so shocked.
27: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed? Well, since you keep asking me these questions about kissing people, I just kissed my hand so it took place right here.
28: Anyone you would like to get things straight with? Yes. Manyyyy people.
29: How many months until your birthday? 9 I think.
30: Favorite thing to eat with peanut butter? Jelly.
31: Did you like this past summer? Going to Smackdown live and the trip.
32: What were you doing before you got on the computer? Eating.
33: Your ex is sitting next to you, with their new partner. What do you do? I don't have an ex.
34: What is the last thing you said out loud? Something about headphones.
35: Your mood summed into one word? Different.
36: Are you doing anything else besides taking this survey? Listening to the radio.
37: What are your initials? None of your business, stalker.
38: Are you a happy person? Sometimes.
39: Do you still talk to the person you liked 4 months ago? No, but we've never really "talked".
40: Where do you want to live when your older? Either here or California.
41: Have you had your birthday this year? Yep.
42: What did you do yesterday? Go to my Grandma's.
43: What will you be doing tomorrow? Go to my grandma's.
44: How late did you stay up last night? Until 9:30.
45: Is there anyone you would do anything for? Yes.
46: Is it hard to make you laugh? Not really. If you're an idiot, I'll usually laugh. Since most people are idiots, that means it's easy to make me laugh.
47: Do you believe ex’s can be just friends? Sure.
48: Do you think any of your exes will eventually want to be with you again? Once again, I don't have exes you idiot.
49: How many people have you had feelings for in the year of 2012? Well there's this one that I've had the most for, then there's the other 3 or 4.
50: Do you wish your ex was dead? No, because I don't have any.
51: Have you ever dyed your hair? Nope.
52: Would ever take back someone that cheated? Probably not.
53: Was New Year’s Even enjoyable? It was ok.
54: Bet you’re missing someone right now? Yes.
55: How would your parents react if you got a tattoo? Probably flip out and make me get it removed.
56: Sleep on your back or stomach? Both.
57: If you could move away, no questions asked, where would it be? California. Or Cleveland. I love Cleveland.
58: What would you change about your life right now? A bunch of stuff. It will take me too long to write it all down.
59: Has anything upset you in the past week? Yes, a lot of things. Especially yesterday at the hospital.
60: Are you on the phone? No, no one calls me.
61: Today, would you rather go forward a week or back? Back a week. I don't want school to start.
62: Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car? $40,000 because you can buy a car plus other things with that money.
63: Have you ever talked to someone when they were high? Not that I know of. Hopefully not.
64: Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone? Yes.
65: Have you ever copied someone elses homework? Not completely, just a bit.
66: Are you the type of person who liks to be out or at home? I'd rather be at home, but it is nice to be out sometimes.
67: Do you automatically check your phone when you wake up? Nope.
68: Have you ever stayed up all night on the phone? No.
69: Could you use some sleep right now? Not really.
70: Are you going to have a baby by the time you’re 18? Noooooo.
71: Does it bother you when someone hides things from you? Yes, a lot.
72: What’s your favorite color? Black and Pink.
73: Have you ever slept in the same room with someone you liked? No.
74: Have you ever been looking for something and it was already in your hand? Haha yeah.
75: Do you get annoyed easily? Yes.
76: If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you? Yes.
77: Do you have a person of the opposite sex that you can tell everything to? Yep.
78: Does anyone call you babe? Yeah.
79: How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? Like 2.
80: What do you prefer, relationship or one night stand? Relationship.
81: What color hoodie did you wear last? Pink.
82: Is there someone who meant a lot to you at one point, and isn’t around anymore? Yep, quite a few people actually.

Bored, so I'm answering these questions.

1. Where were you 3 hours ago? At St. Lukes praying for my mom to be alright.
2. Who are you in love with? This one dude.
3. Have you ever eaten a crayon? Of course not.
4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? Yes, a highlighter.
5. When is the last time you went to the mall? Way too long ago.
6. Are you wearing socks right now? Nope.
7. Do you have a car worth over $2,000? No. I don't even have a car.
8. When was the last time you drove out of town? In June when we drove halfway across the country.
9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days? Nope, I hate movies.
10. Are you hot? Pshhh no.
11. What was the last thing you had to drink? Lemonade mixed with some berry stuff.
12. What are you wearing right now? Shorts and a T-Shirt.
13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it? I don't have a car.
14. Last food that you ate? Cake.
15. Where were you last week at this time? Watching TV.
16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? Nope.
17. When is the last time you ran? Well I ran to the kitchen a few hours ago.
18. What’s the last sporting event you watched? WWE Smackdown on Friday.
19. What is your favorite animal? Squirrels. I love squirrels.
20. Your dream vacation? California.
21. Last person’s house you were in? I don't really understand this because I'm in my house right now, but I guess my grandma's.
22. Worst injury you’ve ever had? Messed up neck where I couldn't even move it.
23. Have you been in love? Well it feels like it right now.
24. Do you miss anyone right now? Yes. A lot.
25. Last play you saw? Oh gosh, probably Wizard Of Oz.
26. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? Hit them with a bag of potatoes. That's a real good weapon.
27. What are your plans for tonight? Watch wrestling in about 7 minutes.
28. Who is the last person you sent a MySpace message or comment? I don't have a MySpace.
29. Next trip you are going to take? I don't have one planned.
30. Ever go to camp? Nope.
31. Were you an honor roll student in school? Yep.
32. What do you want to know about the future? What my life is going to be like, who's in it, what I'm doing.
33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne? Nope.
34. Are you due sometime this year for a doctor’s visit? Probably.
35. Where is your best friend? At her house.
36. How is your best friend? Good I guess.
37. Do you have a tan? No, I can never get tan. I burn.
38. What are you listening to right now? Nothing.
39. Do you collect anything? Yep, I have a few old coins.
40. Who is the biggest gossiper you know? My grandma haha.
41. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over? Never.
42. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw? Of course, I do all the time.
43. What does your last text message say? "Have fun"
44. Do you like hot sauce? Yes.
45. Last time you took a shower? Earlier today.
46. Do you need to do laundry? No.
47. What is your heritage? I don't understand this either. I guess German and Irish?
48. Are you someone’s best friend? Probably not.
49. Are you rich? No. Far from it.
50. What were you doing at 12AM last night? Sleeping.

Smackdown (wrestling AND my family.)

What an adventurous, screwed up last 2 weeks I've had. I could probably sit here and type for 5 hours about all of this, but I don't have the time, plus I don't want to go too deep in all of it because it will just make me mad and pipebomb #5 will be released. (The reason I said pipebomb is because there is a wrestler named C.M. Punk who is now one of my favorites, and he always lets out "pipebombs" and tells everyone what he's thinking whether or not they like it.)

That's pretty much what I did.
Well let's start off talking about Saturday first.

Saturday (July 21st), I went to Smackdown because it was live in the city I live in. I had awesome seats, I could see the ring perfectly. I had a really great time. I thought I was going to have no voice left after Punk came out, but surprisingly I did. Miz or Ziggler weren't there, but that's fine because Punk made up for it. It's crazy seeing them in real life. (This isn't the first time I've seen WWE live though, I've seen it 6 times now.) But I feel that it started something inside of me, like it inspired me to be different. Maybe it was just Punk or something, but now I have the courage to let people know that I'm fed up and let them know how I feel.

Pipebomb #1 was let off Tuesday. I really don't want to go into details because I've already been called "immature" and a bunch of other crap for posting "family issues" on Facebook. Basically what happened was I went on my mom's Facebook page (I would've went on mine but I'm not friends with any of the idiots I wanted to get my point across to.) and flipped out about how my aunt is nothing but a bitch liar who ABANDONED my grandma and my mom. My grandma has a disease that's not even her fault. It just pisses me off that someone can walk away from her like that.

Well then a bunch of my aunt's doofus kids decided to get their nose stuck in places that it doesn't belong, and here came the family fued.
I've gotten called "immature" probably over 5 times. That's kind of funny because I'm a hell of a lot more mature than most people my age. It's them that need to grow up.

Anyway, a bunch of shit happened and now it's a full out war, and it's just a mess.
I feel like it's partly my fault, but this has been brewing for a long time. I'm just doing what I think's right, and that's sticking up for my grandma. It's not her fault she has dementia.

Then I really spazzed out yesterday on them. I told them to go "suck their moms butt some more, it's all lies anyway", and now they all have their panties in a bunch. That's right, I'm a 16 year old girl and I'm not going to back down from some stupid idiots that want to sit there and not only bully me, but bully my grandma and mom. NOT going to happen.

This is what one of my "cousins" said.
"This is not the appropriate place to be airing out family laundry. The immaturity level of some people amaze me. I don't know exactly what happened because I live so far away, and with that said I am not taking sides. But to put someone on blast on FB is so juvenile. If u have an issue with a certain person u should confront them with it, not hide behind an internet website and talk trash about them. I know what I am saying is going to go over like a fart in church and usually I won't say anything, however, this time it struck a nerve. I won't stoop to your level and put any more family on blast here. Just remember, nobody is perfect and we ALL have our fair share of dirty clothes that could be aired out."

I honestly don't give a shit about him because I've never liked him and his pathetic excuse of a mother and family. Him, his mom, and his piece of shit brothers and sisters can all kiss my ass because they are NOTHING to me anymore. He's nothing but a hypocritical BITCH who posts on Facebook about sex and alcohol, his mom must have been his role model.

"stoop to my level" PLEASE BITCH FUCKING BRING IT
sorry oh gosh I knew I shouldn't have written this.

Then all of them come back saying that I should "go confront the person you have problems with". Well I'd be more than happy too, it's just that the bitch is too freaking chicken to face me. I don't give a crap if she's like 60 years old and is fatter than the fucking whole state of Texas, I'll gladly tell her what I think of her to her face. I've had a bunch of shit with her for a long time, so I'm more than ready to bring it.

I'm just getting myself worked up, I guess I'll quit.

Have a great day, bye for now.

Spazzing.

In a good way.
Someone who I thought was going to move isn't, it was just my messed up brain and my stalking that got things confused.
I literally just ran into the bathroom and danced and nearly yelled.
I'm so happy.

I don't even know why because that certain person probably doesn't even know about my existence, but still.

You people probably have no clue who I'm talking about haha. Don't ask, because I won't tell you. No one knows.

Finally something good happens. Gosh if you saw me you would think I won the lottery. There's really no reason I should be this happy, but I am.

And to think that I was actually crying and REALLY upset over something that was just a mix-up.

Oh well. Everything's better now. :)

No Idea.

I'm so confused.
I don't even know what to write.
My mood changes so freaking fast and I'm tired of it.

Yesterday I was fine for most of the day, and all of the sudden it got night time and there I am locking myself in the bathroom crying. I don't know why. Well, never mind yes I do. Then I felt like crap the whole time before I went to bed. So I climb into bed and there I am crying again.

Peachy.

I honestly thought things changed after I got back from my trip. I felt better, I had a new prospective on things. But now it's like someone hit a freaking switch and everything's how it used to be and I don't like it one bit.

I felt so determined after the trip, but now I feel like that's all gone and everything's just a pile of beans.

I don't know why.

What happened?
People.

I need to be by myself.
For a long time.

Cardiologist said I have "low blood pressure". Well I have no clue why when I'm a freaking mess all of the time. You think I would have high blood pressure.

Gosh and today is going to suck.
There's another thing. After the trip I had a new outlook on things, and I was having a lot of good days. I was happy.
Now it's back to how it used to be.
Why?

What happened?

I'm just going to freak out and tell people how I feel because people need to recognize that I'm not an ant, so stop stepping on me.

Alone time is what I need.
Fuck everything else.

And I don't really give a shit if the freaking king and queen of the world reads this, I'm fed up.

This Is Going To Be Strange.

If there's anyone out there, hi.
It feels like I'm talking to myself though haha.

Well, it's been forever since I've written a blog, so this might be a very strange unsorted mess.

I'm back from my trip. It was ok. Not as good as expected because certain people ruined it, but it was ok. I shouldn't really even be calling it a "trip", because I worked the whole time. I'm not going into details though, but it was tough.

Halfway across the country and back though. Surprisingly I'm still here and didn't get murdered in New York when my mom was spazzing. Then in Indiana omg, I don't even want to explain that mess.

I'm still mad at a GPS. (I suggest you don't ask why.)
Let's just say that I like Cleveland, A LOT. (I love big cities.)
But that idiot thing made us go wayyyy past Cleveland in some strange part of the middle of nowhere on the way back. I'm still upset about that. At least I got to see it on the way there. *sigh*

I should post a few pics of my souvenirs on here. I don't know why though, because no one probably even reads this anymore lol. I just looked through the pictures that I took (there are over 500), and I only found this. I got so excited because I never had Dunkin Donuts before.
All I'm going to say is that I miss Dunkin Donuts. I hope you enjoy this picture. *almost falls off my chair laughing*

Hopefully that shows up good.

In other news, today is the 4th of July. I don't have any way of celebrating it though. No fireworks, parties, anything. It honestly just feels like another day to me. *sighs again.* The only thing that makes it feel like a holiday is the loud booms I keep hearing outside. Lovely. Guess who won't be able to sleep tonight?

*replays "Windows Down" by BTR.
Oh, that's another thing. A new Big Time Rush song came out while I was gone. It's the best freaking song ever. I'm not going to talk about the video though because every time I even attempt to watch it I'm a weeping mess because of the perfection that is James Maslow. Oh great, here I go again. *Tries to think of something else before inappropriate fangirl screams start happening.* But if you're bored and want to listen to the best song ever and become a psycho fangirl like me, here's a link to Windows Down:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ezo_Hs7t13c

Logan's "everybody knows that I want ya, if you want me baby show me" part makes me want to take a machine gun to my ears.
OH GOSH THERE IT IS
*hits the computer screen over and over while on the ground because I fell off my chair.*
Well that was dramatic.
Sorry about that. Sometimes I have problems.

OH NO THERES JAMES CALM I CAN STAY CALM OH GOSH. That man is PERFECTION I TELL YOU

*puts on different song because this is just overwhelming and I'm probably scaring you away*
You know you have problems when you're weeping over a song because it- never mind.

Hmm, what else is there to talk about?

There's this music channel that I get, it's called "Mexicana" and it's all Spanish music, but it calms me. I'm a strange person.

I KNOW SOMETHING! I'm going to Smackdown July 21st. This will be my sixth live WWE event. I'm so excited. Last time I went it was to a Raw house show, and I nearly wazzed myself when The Miz came out. Everyone around me was giving me dirty looks because I nearly had a heart attack I was shaking and screaming at the top of my lungs so bad. Whatever buttholes.

I should really start writing blogs more often.

If there is anyone out there who actually reads my blogs, (which I highly doubt but thank you if you are.) have a safe and happy 4th of July.

I guess that's all for now. :)

Who Am I Quiz Answers

Name: None of your business.
Age: 16
Height: 5’7? I'm not sure.
Relationship status: Crushing.
Birthday: April 6th.
Favorite color: Black and Pink.
Favorite bands: Big Time Rush.
Last song listened: A preview of "Windows Down" by Big Time Rush.
Favorite movie: Alvin And The Chipmunks. They are ADORABLE.
Last movie watched: oh gosh, I have no clue.
Favorite book: Probably "Speak".
Last book read: Some stupid book in English class.
# of siblings: 0
# of pets: 0
Best school subject: Surprisingly Math, even though I hate it.
Mac or PC? PC
Cell phone type: I have the crappiest phone ever.
Current shirt color: Yellow.
Gamer? Yep.
Day or night? Day.
Summer or winter? Winter. I hate warm weather.
Most-visited website? Tumblr
Celebrity crushes: JAMES MASLOW ♥♥♥♥ (he's my husband) and Logan Henderson.

Crazy.

What a last couple of weeks it's been. I'm laying in bed right now thinking about everything and I can't get back to sleep because once I start thinking, I can't stop.

My grandma had a party last night because her sister that lives halfway across the country came back for the first time in 20-something years. Guess who had a totally unexpected breakdown?
Me.

All of the sudden I just started crying and two of my aunts and my mom were sitting at the same table as me. I can't explain how much I hate crying in front of people. I don't want people to feel sympathy for me. I don't want attention. My aunt came over and hugged me for about a minute. My mom sat there and said "she gets emotional." Whatever I guess.

At that point I wanted to go home because I felt bad for just randomly crying like that, plus I couldn't stop feeling like I was going to cry.

About an hour later, my mom finally said that we should go home since it's been such a long day (I'll get to that later). She decided to stop though and go in an area where three of my aunts and my grandma were and I was tearing up again. She talked to them for probably twenty minutes, and I just stood there trying to stare at something away from everyone so they wouldnt see me cry and ask me what's wrong, because then I'd really let it out. My grandma kept trying to talk to me and my aunt kept saying how proud she is of me, and I just stood there looking away from them giving them one word responses. I feel like a complete b**** for that, but I didn't want to breakdown again in front of everyone.

We finally started walking to the car, and I was uncontrollably crying. My mom looked at me and I told her "I have no idea why I'm crying, I just can't stop." We went home and I cried for about an hour more. I think the reason why I cried is because when you've been holding so much in for over a year, it's eventually going to force itself out whether you like it or not.

Yesterday was an extremely long day. WWE Smackdown (wrestling) is coming here so I went down at about 7:45 a.m. and stood in line for two hours waiting to get tickets.

After we did that, we did the usual shopping and lunch thing that happens every Saturday, then we visited my grandma in the nursing home, then we went to my other grandma's party. I'm exhausted. Today I'm doing nothing except lounging around the house and relaxing.

I almost forgot to mention, a week from tomorrow I'm leaving on a trip halfway across the country (not telling you where so you can't stalk me). I'll be gone for two weeks, but if I find Wi-Fi or computer access, I might blog.

Can't Take This.

My day was going good.
Now it's fricking shitty.

Thanks for ruining my day like always.
For yelling at me about everything that's not even my fault.

Think about how I feel for once.
Everyone always takes out their frustration and anger on me.
I never do that to anyone in return.

Screw you.
I'm done.

Mental Health.

Yesterday when I checked the mail, I noticed that there was a large envelope addressed to me. It was from "Substance Abuse and Mental Health Association". I opened it, and there was a sheet of mental health stickers in there. They said things like "I'm special" and "I can do it!". They must be trying to tell me something.

English Class.

I have absolutely nothing to do, and I haven't written a blog post since the 29th of April, so I decided I might as well write one right now.

I'm in English class. (as you probably could tell by the title.) My literature circle group is done with the project that's due Wednesday, so we are doing nothing and sitting here looking like idiots.

Someone keeps yelling my name from across the room. I'm ignoring them. Now she's staring at me.

I've learned to try not to give a crap anymore. Why worry about other peoples lives when you can't control them. At the end, you're not the one who makes decisions for them. They are. So since you have no control over them and their actions/decisions, why worry? Instead try to focus on yourself and make sure that you are fine. You can control yourself, and you are the only one that truly can. There's no use stressing over things that you can't control, especially when you've tried your best.

I'm actually happy that the weekend is over. I was under too much stress and way too busy. I don't think that anyone realizes that I need time for myself. All that's left of school is the rest of this week and then Monday through Thursday of next week. Thank goodness. I'll finally be able to go to my grandma's (not the one with dementia) and be myself again. Then if we get the whole travel mess figured out, then everything will be perfect. Well not everything, but the things that I can control will be.

I've very recently (within the last two hours) became in love with Spotify. I don't like the fact that it posts whatever you're listening to on Facebook though, but luckily there is an option to private browse. It seems like people can't accept the music I listen to and end up having fits and rants about how much the singers apparently suck. I figured that it's best just to ignore them rather than leap over a table and rip their face off.

School is way too stressful. I don't understand why teachers complain about having to check and grade so many papers but yet they give us homework every single day. That makes no sense to me. One of my teachers even said that she doesn't have time to do anything. I think that teachers need to start considering our lives and realize that we are busy too. Yes, some teenagers are lazy and do nothing so that's why they are failing. But then you have the other teenagers that want to go to college, want to get a good paying job, but they're failing because they have family troubles and other important things so they don't have time for homework. I'm one of those. For example, this weekend I had Algebra ll homework and I couldn't get that done because I was busy non-stop. I'll get punished by getting a bad grade for something that I couldn't do because of someone else.

I should go now.
Have a great day.

200 questions and answers.

200: My crushs name is: I'm not telling you.
199: I was born in: 1996.
198: I am really: a girl.
197: My cellphone company is: Tracfone :(
196: My eye color is: Hazel
195: My shoe size is: 8 1/2
194: My ring size is: I don't know.
193: My height is: 5 foot 7 I think.
192: I am allergic to: Green Tea.
191: My 1st car was: haven't had one.
190: My 1st job was: don't have one.
189: Last book you read: "Monster" by Walter Dean Myers.
188: My bed is: a full.
187: My pet: I don't have one.
186: My best friend: I don't really have one.
185: My favorite shampoo is: anything that smells good.
184: Xbox or ps3: ps3.
183: Piggy banks are: good for saving money.
182: In my pockets: there is nothing.
181: On my calendar: Important dates.
180: Marriage is: ok as long as your with the one you love for sure.
179: Spongebob can: be president.
178: My mom: is cranky.
177: The last three songs I bought were? I don't buy songs.
176: Last YouTube video watched: a live performance of Love Me Love Me by BTR.
175: How many cousins do you have? like a million.
174: Do you have any siblings? nope.
173: Are your parents divorced? no.
172: Are you taller than your mom? yes
171: Do you play an instrument? no, but I can.
170: What did you do yesterday? cry.
[ I Believe In ]
169: Love at first sight: yes.
168: Luck: yes
167: Fate: yes
166: Yourself: sometimes
165: Aliens: no
164: Heaven: yes
163: Hell: yes
162: God: yes
161: Horoscopes: sometimes
160: Soul mates: yes
159: Ghosts: no
158: Gay Marriage: yes
157: War: no
156: Orbs: no
155: Magic: no
[ This or That ]
154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs
153: Drunk or High: neither.
152: Phone or Online: online.
151: Red heads or Black haired: black hair.
150: Blondes or Brunettes: I'm a brunette, but I choose blondes.
149: Hot or cold: cold
148: Summer or winter: winter.
147: Autumn or Spring: spring.
146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla.
145: Night or Day: day
144: Oranges or Apples: oranges
143: Curly or Straight hair: curly
142: McDonalds or Burger King: Burger King.
141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Milk Chocolate
140: Mac or PC: PC
139: Flip flops or high heals: Heels.
138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Ugly and rich.
137: Coke or Pepsi: coke
136: Hillary or Obama: Hillary. I actually met her.
135: Burried or cremated: Buried.
134: Singing or Dancing: Dancing.
133: Coach or Chanel: Coach.
132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: I don't know either one.
131: Small town or Big city: Big City.
130: Wal-Mart or Target: Target.
129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Adam Sandler.
128: Manicure or Pedicure: Manicure.
127: East Coast or West Coast: West coast.
126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Birthday
125: Chocolate or Flowers: Chocolate
124: Disney or Six Flags: Six Flags
123: Yankees or Red Sox: Yankees
[ Here's What I Think About ]
122: War: It sucks.
121: George Bush: Stupid.
120: Gay Marriage: Should be allowed everywhere.
119: The presidential election: idiotic.
118: Abortion: not sure.
117: MySpace: lame.
116: Reality TV: entertaining because the people are so stupid.
115: Parents: love/hate relationship.
114: Back stabbers: losers.
113: Ebay: great because I just bought a BTR necklace on there haha
112: Facebook: Pisses me off because I can't stand the people on there.
111: Work: I don't have a job.
110: My Neighbors: They are ok except for that one homie.
109: Gas Prices: should be lowered.
108: Designer Clothes: if I was rich I would buy them.
107: College: Hopefully going.
106: Sports: not my favorite.
105: My family: dysfunctional. (that's what a psychiatrist even called my family.)
104: The future: hopefully good.
[ Last time I ]
103: Hugged someone: a week ago.
102: Last time you ate: 2 hours ago
101: Saw someone I haven't seen in awhile: I'm not sure.
100: Cried in front of someone: my birthday.
99: Went to a movie theater: like 3 years ago.
98: Took a vacation: When I was about 6.
97: Swam in a pool: a month ago.
96: Changed a diaper: never.
95: Got my nails done: does doing my own nails count? I've never had mine done.
94: Went to a wedding: 5 years ago.
93: Broke a bone: never.
92: Got a peircing: never
91: Broke the law: can't remember.
90: Texted: 2 days ago.
[ MISC ]
89: Who makes you laugh the most: Big Time Rush.
88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my house.
87: The last movie I saw: I can't remember.
86: The thing that I'm looking forward to the most: this summer.
85: The thing im not looking forward to: school tomorrow.
84: People call me: a nerd.
83: The most difficult thing to do is: my Algebra II homework.
82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never
81: My zodiac sign is: Aries
80: The first person i talked to today was: my mom.
79: First time you had a crush: 1st grade.
78: The one person who i can't hide things from: myself.
77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: yesterday.
76: Right now I am talking to: no one.
75: What are you going to do when you grow up: hopefully something good.
74: I have/will get a job: that I enjoy.
73: Tomorrow: will probably suck.
72: Today: I did too much homework and now my brain is fried.
71: Next Summer: will hopefully be good.
70: Next Weekend: will suck.
69: I have these pets: I don't have any. :(
68: The worst sound in the world: Taylor Swift's voice.
67: The person that makes me cry the most is: everyone.
66: People that make you happy: Big Time Rush.
65: Last time I cried: yesterday night.
64: My friends are: ok.
63: My computer is: awesome.
62: My School: sucks.
61: My Car: I don't have one.
60: I lose all respect for people who: think it's ok to hurt other people.
59: The movie I cried at was: I've never cried because of a movie.
58: Your hair color is: brown.
57: TV shows you watch: WWE, BTR, Victorious.
56: Favorite web site: tumblr.
55: Your dream vacation: California.
54: The worst pain I was ever in was: cramps.
53: How do you like your steak cooked: I don't like steak.
52: My room is: a mess.
51: My favorite celebrity is: James Maslow and Logan Henderson.
50: Where would you like to be: A Big Time Rush concert.
49: Do you want children: possibly.
48: Ever been in love: yes.
47: Who's your best friend: once again, I don't have one.
46: More guy friends or girl friends: I trust guys more but I have more friends that are girls.
45: One thing that makes you feel great is: Big Time Rush.
44: One person that you wish you could see right now: everyone I know who has died. :(
43: Do you have a 5 year plan: what?
42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: yes.
41: Have you pre-named your children: yes.
40: Last person I got mad at: everyone.
39: I would like to move to: California.
38: I wish I was a professional: wrestler.
[ My Favorites ]
37: Candy: Twix. I also loooooove sixlets.
36: Vehicle: Dodge Viper.
35: President: Don't have one.
34: State visited: I don't go anywhere so I guess South Dakota?
33: Cellphone provider: I have the crappiest cell phone ever so I don't know.
32: Athlete: The Miz.
31: Actor: James Maslow.
30: Actress: Victoria Justice.
29: Singer: Lady Gaga
28: Band: Big Time Rush.
27: Clothing store: Kohl's.
26: Grocery store: Hyvee.
25: TV show: Big Time Rush
24: Movie: Big Time Movie.
23: Website: You already asked me that, but tumblr.
22: Animal: squirrel.
21: Theme park: never been to one so I don't have one.
20: Holiday: Christmas.
19: Sport to watch: wrestling.
18: Sport to play: Tennis.
17: Magazine: Seventeen.
16: Book: Speak.
15: Day of the week: Friday.
14: Beach: never been to one so I don't have one.
13: Concert attended: I've only been to one concert, and I hate that kind of music now.
12: Thing to cook: Pizza.
11: Food: Pizza.
10: Restaurant: Pizza Hut.
9: Radio station: Kiss FM.
8: Yankee candle scent: I don't know what that is?
7: Perfume: Circus by Britney Spears.
6: Flower: Daisy.
5: Color: Black.
4: Talk show host: anyone except Dr. Phil.
3: Comedian: don't have one.
2: Dog breed: Golden Retriever, Alaskan Klee Kai (like Fox <3), and Yorkie. 1: Did you answer all of these truthfully? Yep.

Found Old Photos.

I just found old pictures of me with my grandpa, and I'm crying uncontrollably. I'm a mess right now, my face is bright red and my eyes are puffy.

It's been almost a year and two months, but it feels like it was just yesterday when he passed away.

I miss him so much.

What I Need.

I need to get away from everyone. School, home, everything. I have so many things trapped inside of me. I want to go to the doctor all by myself. I want to tell him how I feel and cry and scream and let my feelings actually be heard. Maybe then I can be better. I feel like I'm crazy. This is probably the millionth time I've said it, but no one understands because they all believe the fake happiness I put on every day. It's pathetic. I just want someone who cares and will listen. I'm sick of living like this. Everything piles more and more on me each day. I don't know what to do.

A Rant About Almost Everything.

Because I can't handle this anymore. This will probably have a few curse words in it, so be warned.

I'm sitting here freaking crying while listening to "Invisible" by Big Time Rush. It feels like they are the only people who give a crap anymore even though I've never met them and I don't know them. Go ahead and call me a crybaby because of that, it won't be the worst thing I've been called today.

I'm not in a good mood today. I didn't put on the fake bullshit happy crap that I put on everyday and act like everything's fine. Everything is far from fine, and pretending hurts just as bad.

Just because I barely talked today and didn't look happy, people called me "grumpy". Are you serious? Yeah I'm fricking grumpy. You would be too if you went through the shit I've gone through in the last year. Grow up and take a look in the mirror. I don't call people "grumpy" if they are having a bad day. All I want is to be alone.

Then I got called a bitch by my mom.

Also, in so many words I got told that I don't matter anymore.

People need to just leave me alone. I'm way too stressed out and mad.

Control.

First of all, this will probably be a really short post because my laptop only has 13% battery left. I'm supposed to be in P.E., but the gym is closed for some fair or something, so I'm in the auditorium for study hall. Actually this might be a long post, someone just gave me a charger. I don't know why I'm blogging about charging a computer, but I am.

I feel that I've lost control over a lot of things. It feels like I can't control anything anymore. I hate that. It feels like other people are controlling everything I do. I barely even have control of my thoughts. I don't know what to think anymore. I want to help. I really do, but it feels like I can't. I'm scared to speak my mind because what if someone gets mad? What if people end up hating me because of the truth? I absolutely hate feeling like this because it feels like if I speak what I'm thinking, that's the only way I'll be able to let everyone know my thoughts. They'll hate me for it though. Can I risk that?

I don't even know what to write. All I want is for things to change. I want things to be better. Just when I think they are getting better, something extremely bad comes flying at me. It feels like I'm failing in everything right now. Algebra II, family, friends, and even myself.

I blog to let my feelings out. I never blog everything I think though. If I did that, everyone would probably classify me as "insane" and abandon me. I'm sick of worrying about a million different things all at one time. It feels like eventually it will all burst and I won't have any hope.

I just want to be ok.

Even on my Birthday.

I thought it all would be put aside and forgotten for at least today. It's my birthday, and I thought that everyone would get along because of that. I was wrong.

The yells and screams still happen just like any other day.

I'm sitting on the couch crying. Do they notice? No. Because no one cares. It's never been about me even though it feels like it's my fault. It's not my fault though. It's theirs. No one seems to understand. It's my birthday and I'm miserable. How great is that? I can never have one completely good day. The tears are coming down my face like a waterfall. I can't explain the mix of emotions I feel. It's not good. Don't worry? How can I not when it's happening around me and I have no control? It's injected into my head and there's not a thing I can do about it because I'm not that way. Not the person I deep down feel like I should be. I don't know anything except what's around me. That makes no sense, but neither does anything else right now.
I feel like I need something, but I don't know what. Maybe just a person I can hug and talk to and they'll understand? I need myself. I feel crazy. I'm confused and lost and feel like I'll never find my way to happiness. The darkness always comes and hits like a lightning bolt. Why? That's all I can ask. Thank you for ruining my birthday. That's just what I needed. Thanks a lot for making me feel like crap.

Happy fricking Birthday to me.

Yesterday and some other junk.

It's been about a week since I've written, and it feels like forever. I just didn't want to write a blog rambling about fifty different things and how everything sucks.

Yesterday, one of my friends and I visited a college. It was the college I really want to go to, but the only way I can go to any college is by getting a bunch of scholarships because my family can't afford to send me to college. We are lucky just to have decent food to eat.

I had a great time yesterday. For the first time in a long time, I had a good day. Everyone had to fill out information cards with your name, address, and phone number, then they stuck all of them into a box. Later I found out that they put all of them in a box so they could have a drawing type thing where you could win prizes. Literally a minute before they started drawing names, I turned to my friend and said "I hope I don't win, I'll be so embarrassed". I said that because there was anywhere from 100-150 of my fellow classmates, and to get the prize the people would call my name and I would have to get up in front of everyone. Guess who's name got pulled first though? Mine. I guess it is a good thing though, because I got a free t-shirt from the college I plan on attending.

Lunch was insane yesterday though. They had a super good buffet at the college, and everyone was trying to get food at once so it was like a crazy mob of people.

I just ate a pizza lunchable because I'm at lunch, and I have a nasty aftertaste in my mouth. Water is not helping right now.

I was so mad earlier that I completely pealed all of the fingernail polish off two nails. I do that when I'm extremely mad.

I'm in Microsoft Office right now. We are going to do desktop publishing lessons today so that should be easy because I was in desktop publishing last semester. Yay.

"She's really going through it, isn't she?"

Yes she is. But she's not the only one suffering. No one thinks about how it is to be living like I am. Their focus is always on someone else. No one thinks that the daughter/granddaughter/friend is going through all of it, if not more too. I am though. Probably even worse than they are. I feel like things will never get better. No one listens or even acknowledges my point of view and how things are effecting me. I'm in this battle by myself.

I just wish I could crush it all. Even to get rid of it for one day would be miraculous. I don't think I'll ever be able to escape it. I try to keep going, but it's extremely difficult when everywhere you go you hear the constant screaming.
You can't get away.

Sometimes I sit and think. What's going to happen to me if things keep going the way they are? Will I end up being a total mess? I already am on the inside, but what if all of this anger and sadness actually explodes someday for the whole world to see? Will someone finally understand?

I try to be there for other people. It's hard helping someone else though when you're broken.

I'm sick right now. Luckily I'm at my grandma's house. I can actually relax here without focusing on the pain. I'm understood here.

Tomorrow I have to go to a cardiologist to see if something with my heart is causing me to faint. I'm not going to lie, I'm extremely scared.

That's all for now.

Strange.

This is going to be a strange blog post. I'm sitting all by myself at lunch and don't have anyone to talk to, so I decided to talk to my computer. This will probably be extremely random.

I have to make up a Field Biology quarter test after school. I had no idea that I even missed it until the teacher told me today. So that sucks. My mom is also going to talk to my choir teacher and explain my fainting problem to him and that I'm going to a cardiologist next Friday and I'm possibly going to a neurologist on July 2nd. I'm going to be running all over after school.

I have Microsoft Office next. I've written in this blog before about that class, so I won't write about it today. It's super easy and awesome though.

I can't really think of anything else going on.

My grandma called my mom last night and screamed at her about a pair of new glasses. Then my mom decided to put the phone on speaker so I could even hear it. Lovely. What else is new. So for about an hour straight last night all I heard was complaining.

One of my friends just got on I.M. so I'm going to go talk to her.

Fainting and the Doctor.

Wow. Ever since Tuesday, things have been extremely crazy. This week has not been a good one at all. I'm so happy that it's finally Friday. *Starts mentally singing "Friday" by Rebecca Black.*

Tuesday, there was a choir concert at my school. I had choir class last period Tuesday which was a good thing because then we could rehearse the same day of the concert. We had to stand on the risers in the auditorium to practice because that's where the concert was going to be later that night. I stood on the risers and we started practicing. About ten minutes later I felt like I was going to faint. I felt extremely strange all of the sudden. Suddenly, all I could see was the color gray. I had to sit, or else I would've completely fainted. (This has happened many times before too. The first time this happened was in eighth grade, and my friends took me to the nurses office. It didn't happen again until April of last year while in Spanish class. That time I did completely faint. It's happened very frequently this year though.) Anyway, I sat down for about five minutes. I got back up and felt the same way again, so I sat down. During the hour and a half of choir class, I almost fainted a total of four times.

Later that night was the choir concert. I wasn't nervous about it, but I was nervous about my fainting problem. I told myself that I would be fine though, since we'd only be on stage for about ten minutes. I was wrong. It was time to perform, so we went on stage. I did fine for about five minutes. We were almost done with our second song when I started feeling strange again. I tried to just look down, but that didn't help. When I looked back up, I couldn't see anything. Everything was gray. I sat down.

Once I sat down, I was fine. I began to see again within thirty seconds. I didn't get back up though because if I did, I would just have to sit down because I'd feel faint all over again. I sat until the end of the last song, then I got up and walked off of the stage with everyone else.

When I got back in the choir room to hang my robe up after performing, I was still freaked out. I was extremely embarrassed for having to sit in front of not only our choir, but the entire audience. People I've barely spoken to in my life were coming up to me and asking me if I was alright and what happened. I told them that I was ok (but on the inside I really wasn't) and that I almost fainted so I had to sit down.

About a minute after I hung my robe up, my mom came storming into the choir room. I got nervous because she was really upset and crying. She hugged me and I started crying because I knew I wasn't ok. One of the things I hate the most and the thing I'm most terrified of is crying in front of people. I cried in front of the people in my choir. That rose my level of embarrassment even more. Of course, people started circling around me and hugging me and saying that I did good. I honestly don't feel like I "did good" because if I did good, I wouldn't have had to sit down. I wouldn't have almost fainted.

My mom, a friend and I walked out of the choir room and into the hallway so more people wouldn't see me upset. I saw my dad standing in the hallway. My friend wiped some of my tears because I didn't have a tissue. My mom told me to take drinks out of the water fountain, so I did. Water never tasted so good before. My mom said that there is definitely something wrong with me since I fainted a total of 5 times that day. She decided that I need to go to the doctor. Inside, I was so happy. I've known for a while that something is wrong with me, but no one would do anything about it. I thought that finally something would be done, and I'd be alright again. Back to the way things used to be what feels like forever ago before it all happened.

We talked in the hallway for about ten minutes. People kept walking by and staring. My parents said that they were going to find my choir teacher and tell him that we are going home since I almost fainted. They never found my choir teacher, but they found a different one and told him, and he said that's fine and that we can go. We left and gave my friend a ride home because she didn't have a ride. I still was crying.

I ended up crying that whole night until I went to bed. I kept wondering what was wrong, what people think of me now, how embarrassing the whole situation was.

Wednesday I went to school, and everything was normal. Only two people asked what happened, and I explained it to them. When school was over, I walked to our car and my mom told me that I have a doctors appointment Thursday at 11:05 and that I wouldn't be going to school.

Yesterday came, and I went to the doctor. I'm not going to lie, I was extremely nervous. What was wrong? Will they find out? I didn't know. The doctor was running behind which made me even more nervous. Finally they called my name. The nurse took my blood pressure and asked me what was going on. I told her that I almost fainted five times Tuesday. She left, and it seemed like forever until my doctor finally came in. By this time, I was so scared.

He asked me to stand up. I stood up, and he asked if I had back problems. I said no. He had me bend over and touch my toes so he could see if my spine was messed up. Luckily it wasn't. He asked me some more questions. He told my mom and I that I should have some blood work done again. We walked down the hall to get to where they would take my blood. Usually it doesn't hurt when my blood is drawn, but they took two tubes and it really hurt this time. The lady who took my blood told me that I have to have an EKG. I was extremely freaked out then. I knew what that was thanks to an episode of Big Time Rush. (See, BTR does teach people things.) The EKG was way easier than I thought it would be. All they did was put sticky things (almost like a sticky note) on my legs, wrists, and stomach. After the EKG, one of the nurse ladies led me into the bathroom where I had to take a urine test. That was terrible, I peed all over my hand haha. It's not as easy peeing in a tiny cup as you think it is.

After all of the tests were over, my mom and I walked back to the room where my doctor was. He told us that he wants me to see a Neurologist but no one in the city I live in will accept patients under the age of 18, so I'd have to go to a larger city about an hour and a half away that has a childrens hospital. They told us that they could set up the appointment, then we left.

About four hours after we got home, the doctors office called and told us that they set up the appointment with the neurologist for June 1st. I thought that was crazy because I'm obviously going to have more fainting spells before then, plus more than likely I'll be halfway across the country on that day. My mom told them that it wouldn't work.

Then about an hour later, the doctor's office called again and they said that my doctor didn't want me to wait that long to get in somewhere because this is serious, so he is going to set up an appointment with a cardiologist in my city for me. I still don't know when that will be.

That's been the last few days for me. Tomorrow is going to be just as crazy. Wish me luck.

Alone Again.

Well, I'm alone again. It seems that this has been happening a lot lately. I'm at lunch right now. I have no clue where my usual "lunchmates" are right now.

Today has been going really good actually. I'm surprisingly in a good mood. Today is one year since my grandpa died though, so I keep thinking about him and get a little sad, but I'm doing ok.

About two hours ago, a speaker came and visited my school. His name is Dr. Victor Rios. I usually get bored and hate assemblies, but I truly liked this one and it had a positive message. He talked about his past experiences and troubles he has went through, but that didn't stop him from going to college and having a good life. After the assembly, I had to stay and take a picture with everyone else in my school that is wearing pink today.(This week is spirit week, today is wear pink day.) Dr. Rios stayed and met with students after the assembly so after the pictures were taken I met him and shook his hand.

That's pretty much been my day so far. Tonight I have a choir concert which I am not looking forward to though. Wish me luck!

Alone.

I'm alone. My mom is taking my grandma to a psychiatrist. Today has actually been an alright day until now.

I usually like being alone. I can do whatever I want. But right now, it's not good for me to be alone because I am thinking about everything that has happened in the last year. I always hold back my tears when other people are around because one of the things I hate the most is crying in front of people. Right now the tears are streaming down my face though and it feels like there aren't enough tissues in the world to clean them all up.

Yesterday one of my great uncles died. What's really crazy is that his wife died about two hours before he did. Then my dad said that my grandma's sister had a stroke and is in the hospital.

Today marks exactly one year that I've been going through all of this. One terrible, miserable year. One year ago today, my dog died. His death is still extremely hard on me because I had him since I was 7. I'll never forget the phone call with my dad that day. I'll never forget trying to go through Wal-Mart without completely breaking down. A year ago today started the worst year of my life.

One year ago tomorrow, my grandpa died. I'm not completely over that either. I miss him so much. I miss making cookies with him and then putting frosting and sprinkles on them. I think of him every time I see a cookie. He may have not been my grandpa through blood, (actually my step-grandpa) but he was still my grandpa to me and I loved him. I still do, and I miss him so much.

I've been through so much in the last year. The deaths I just mentioned are only part of it.

All I can do is hope that everything gets better.
I can barely handle everything as it is, so I don't know what I'll do if it gets any worse.

Lunch.

I'm at lunch right now. Even though there is someone else sitting in the booth with me, you might as well say I'm by myself because I barely know this person and have never had a conversation with her. The only thing I've said to her this whole lunch has been "do you want my chips?". I'm really confused and lonely right now.

Lunch gets over in a few minutes so this isn't going to be a long blog. Some time if I feel like I can emotionally handle it, I will write a longer blog about what's been happening.

At least I can relax next class, I have Microsoft Office. I don't really need the class because I know almost everything in there, but I still enjoy it. It's easy and the teacher is hilarious. I always have a smile on my face in there.

75% remaining of my netbook battery and I just turned it on. Why does the battery on this thing always drain so fast? It gets irritating, especially when I have a bunch of work to do.

Lunch is over now and I'm in Microsoft Office. We have a test in here today. This should be interesting. I just looked on the teachers desk, and there is something on it that's either a rock or a giant eraser. I can't tell.

Someone is talking using an accent and I can't quit laughing. This is why I love this class.

Update.

I haven't posted a blog in a very long time. I've been extremely busy with homework and life in general. I finally have a minute to write, so I decided to update my blog.

Another reason I haven't written any blogs in a long time is because there are things going on that I don't want the public to know. I am so fed up even reminding myself of them. Everyday I get constantly reminded, and every day I feel worse. I can't escape it. No one will listen either.

Nine minutes left of class. I'm actually in P.E. right now, but I secretly escaped and went into a hallway.

I don't even know what to do anymore. It feels like I can't handle everything. I wonder if people enjoy knowing that I'm hurt, because it feels like it. Either that or no one understands.

I better get going before I get trampled by about 100 people. I'm invisible in this place.

Valentine's Day

It's Valentines Day, and my feelings are kind of hurt. Almost everyone in every class I've been in so far today has received candy, a flower, or these "crush can" things that my school was selling. Even the people that no one really likes have gotten things. It just really hurts my feelings that no one got me ANYTHING. I did get a poster from a friend, but I would get that even if it wasn't Valentine's Day, because she knows how much I like Big Time Rush. I did appreciate that, but it just really hurts my feelings to know that I made treat bags for eight people, and I haven't received anything back. I'm the kind of person that thinks that if I give something, I should receive. But obviously that's not going to happen today. Plus at least 3 people told me personally that they were going to get something for me, and they never did.

Next year, I'm not going to give candy to anyone. I'll go buy a bag of candy, flowers, and "crush cans" for myself. No one else cares enough to get anything for me anyway.
I don't care if I sound like a selfish brat.
My feelings are seriously hurt.