I Won!

I was going to write a blog about this Friday when I found out, but I was WAY too excited. If I would've even attempted to write anything, it would be a giant mess of all capital letters and exclamation points. Plus if anyone out there actually does read my blog, (Thank you so much if you do, but I have no clue how you find it entertaining.) I'd scare them REALLY bad with my fangirling.

Now to the interesting part.

Friday afternoon, I decided to check one of my e-mail accounts. I said one because I have 3 different e-mail accounts for different things. One is for school, one is my personal, then one I use when I request free samples and they want my e-mail. I only check the one I use when I request free samples about once a week because usually it's all spam and junk. Anyway, I got bored and decided to check it. I scrolled down and saw an e-mail from "Nickelodeon". The subject was "Big Time Rush K-Mart Sweepstakes". I thought that it was just going to say that I didn't win but thanks for entering or something like that. I clicked on it though, and the first word I read was "Congratulations!" I immediately flipped out. I read some more, and it said that I won one of 30 first prizes, which are "various signed items from the members of Big Time Rush". I was crying so hard. I was in shock. It was nice to finally cry about something positive instead of negative though. I kind of yelled at my mom (I didn't mean to, but I yell when I get excited) and told her to come over to the computer. She read the e-mail that I received, and then she read the terms and conditions and said it was ok to put my name and address in so they can send it to me. I cried some more, (that's how excited I was)and put all of the info in. The website said that I should receive it within 6-8 weeks. After that, I went to the the website where I entered the contest, and it said that the first prize winners (me!) will receive a signed copy of BTR's CD Elevate. I REALLY freaked out then. Being the fangirl I am, I already got the album the first day it was released. (Best Album EVER by the way, I suggest you listen to it!) But now I'm going to have a SIGNED one too! The day I receive it will be the best day of my life. I know that sounds pathetic, but I love them more than anything. It feels like they have truly gotten me through the last year. They were the only thing that could make me happy when I felt hopeless. They were the only thing that could stop the tears.

Random Thoughts at Lunch.

I'm all by myself at lunch again. I'm so bored. I'm sitting in a booth, and it's awkward because I'm the only one sitting here. It would even be more awkward at a table though. The people next to me keep staring at me. I'm about ready to throw my water bottle at them. My nose has been running constantly since 1st block. It's REALLY irritating me. I'm about ready to tape a tissue to it. I just heard my cousin yell at someone and tell them that he's going to kick their a**. He probably couldn't even beat up a pebble.

I'm about ready to get up and go sit by some nerd girl who's reading a book at a big table all by herself. She'd probably get up and move though and think I'm creepy. My history teacher just walked by. I'm about ready to start a conversation with him. I'm bored.

I think the best part of my day is going to be next block, Microsoft Office. It's pretty bad when I'm actually excited about that. It's easy though. We only do like one lesson a day, and I get a lesson done in about 10 minutes because I type fast, and I already know everything. I always get done before everyone else.



I would get on tumblr, but people are already trying to walk by and look at my computer, so I'm not going to.

This lunch feels like it's taking FOREVER.

The sad part is that I'm supposed to have this lunch with like 293133849738947394739749 people that I know, but none of them sit by me.

*takes drink of water*

This is not entertaining at all. I would play coaster racer, but that's blocked just like everything else is. Stupid school block thing.

I hear the most irritating voice ever. She's sitting about 20 feet away from me, but I can still hear her. Make her shut up already.

Some doofus just ran by and touched my booth. Don't touch my booth, Little Jimmy. Or else you will get got.



Haha, Mr. Bodyguard dude (I don't know what his job is) or whatever his name is keeps walking by me. He always does that when I'm here by myself. (this happens almost every A day.) He's nice, when I used to sit by one of my friends we would talk to him a lot.

I wish all of BTR were students at this school. They'd be my best friends. At least I'd have someone to sit by then.


Fricking idiots keep walking behind me and looking at my computer.
What's so interesting about a bunch of words you idiots?

My nose is running more than Niagra Falls again. Great.

This right here is why I hate Tuesdays.

I'm going to get my bangs cut after school.

I'm going to slap the people in the booth next to me if they don't shut up. They are SCREAMING.
I wish I could have a giant arm and reach over there and punch them.

I'm saved. The bell just rang.

60 Questions People Dont Ask

When's the last time you ran? - earlier to the bathroom lol.
Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? - No. My parents would freak if they did.
What are you dreading right now? - School tomorrow :(
Do you celebrate 420? - NO.
Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night? - If I can fall asleep quick.
If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would ya'll do? - Be on the computer.
Who last grabbed your ass? - No one?
Have you ever been on your school's track team? - No. I suck at running.
Do you own a pair of Converse? - Nope.
Did you copy and paste this survey? - I will on my blog haha.
Do you eat raw cookie dough? - Who doesn't?
Have you ever kicked a vending machine? - yes.
Don't you hate it when the radio ruins good songs by playing them over and over? - I don't really listen to the radio, so no.
Do you watch Trading Spaces? - I used to.
How do you eat oreos? - I eat the cookie part then the cream.
Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone? - Yes.
Are you cocky? - Not really.
Could you live without a computer? - NOOOO.
Do you wear your shoes in the house? - slippers
Who or what sleeps with you? - pillows and blankets
At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real? - idk. somewhere between 8 and 10
How many phones, house phones and cell phones are in your house? - 3
What do you do when you're sad? - Go on tumblr.
Who would you call first if you won the lottery? - James Maslow haha
Last time you saw your best friend? - Friday
Are you in high school? - Yes :(
What jewelry are you wearing? - none
Is anyone on your bad side now? - yes
What's the first thing you do when you get online? - go on tumblr or facebook
Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? - no
How do most people spell your name? - I'm not telling you my name, but most spell it with a y, and that's wrong.
Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes? - not in public, but around the house I would.
Where do you work? - No where, I'm lazy.
What are you doing tomorrow? - School :(
Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson? - No. No one will ever be Michael Jackson.
Favorite name for a girl? - Amanda
Favorite name for a boy? - Logan
Will you keep your last name when you get married? - Nope
When was the last time you left your house? - This morning
Do you return your cart? - yes, even though I would like to keep it and run people over with it.
Do you have a dishwasher? - No.
What noise do you hear? - The TV.
Would you survive in prison? - Probably not.
Who is the youngest in your family? - Well I'm an only child, so I guess me?
If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would most likey overpack? - Me.
Do you know anyone with the same name as you? - Yes, but it's spelled different.
What's the last thing you purchased? - Pencils
Do your siblings ever pay for stuff for you? - I don't have siblings.
What brand are your pants right now? - idk they are shorts that say Mickey Mouse on them haha
Ever been to Georgia (the state)? - Nope.
What irritates you most on the internet? - Beliebers, Directioners, basically any fan base that fights with Rushers.
What brand is your digital camera? - Canon
Do you watch movies with your parents? - not really, I don't watch movies.
What song best describes your life right now? - Oh gosh. There are a lot. I'll go with "Invisible" by BTR though ♥
Do you own expensive perfume/cologne? - a REALLY small one that I got from my grandma.
Are you taking college classes right now? - Nope.
Do you like sushi? - never had it, but I never want to try it.
Do you get your hair cut every month? - Just my bangs.
Do you go online everyday? - Yes.
Will you pass this survey on to 5 people? - Nope, unless they see it on my blog and want to take it.

Everything.

I'm in English. I just got done with the work that was required to do, so I'm going to write a short blog post.

I've said this so many times. Now I'm going to say it once more. It feels like no one in this world understands me.

I've been going through so much since March 2011. I lost both my Grandpa and my dog. I still can't get over that. It hurts so much to think about them. My whole family has been affected also by my Grandma's Dementia. It's a very hard thing to struggle with, even if you're not the patient. Just watching someone go through it is miserable. So if anyone out there knows someone with Dementia or Alzheimer's, my heart goes out to you. It's not easy at all. The constant phone calls, trips to and from the living facility where she lives have been tiring me out since the end of June. My mom and I have left where she lives more times than I can count in tears. But there's nothing you can do to stop it.

Then on top of all of that, I have to deal with school. The people here don't understand anything. Most people actually don't even know what I'm going through because of that fake smile that's always stuck on my face. In a way, I want them to know so it would feel like someone actually cares. But I don't want them to know because they probably wouldn't understand, just like everyone else.

It really hurts that I've been there for so many people, but almost no one is there for me. No one sits down and talks to me about how I feel. No one says "I'm sorry you're going through such hard times". No one cares. They are in their own world. In a way, I don't blame them. But it still hurts to know that no matter what happens, no one is there for me. They'll just say one word, and not even pay attention to what I think and say. It feels like the only thing I have is myself.

I had what I think was a panic attack Monday night. I was laying in bed thinking about everything that's been happening. All of the sudden it felt like I was choking, and I could barely breathe. I started shaking and crying. For some reason, I thought I was going to die.

It's all too much. I can't handle anymore. I don't know what I'll do if anything else happens.

Whatever.

I'm SO sick and tired of this.
If you want to say something, say it to my face.

Some people think I'm quiet. Some people think I'm a nerd. Some people think I'm invisible or something. Some people think I'm rude, selfish, and a b***h. But if you are going to make assumptions about how I'm treating you, you need to look in the mirror and realize how you're treating me first.

I can't take it anymore.
Screw everything.

Exclusion.

Once again, I'm ignored and excluded. I feel like a piece of shattered glass or something that's gotten ran over in the middle of the street multiple times. It hurts to know that I'll never be as good. You'll never want me around, because you obviously don't right now. After all this time, I get thrown away. I'm treated like a garbage anyway, so I guess it makes sense. I'm all alone in this gigantic world. The laughter is what I hear. I wish I could laugh, but it's hard when you're all alone because you're left out AGAIN. I shouldn't care, but I do. I keep holding on for reasons that I don't even know. What if this was the other way around? What would they do? I'm silently drowning in my own tears. I try to be ok, but I can't be. As long as things are like this, I will never be fine. Why do people have to act like this? I should be used to it.

So thanks for making me feel like nothing. Thanks for making my day life miserable, and for knowing that I'm not cared about.

Thanks a lot.

Silence.

I was silent. I take that back, I still am. I don't see any point in talking. It only hurts me more, and no one listens. It's like I'm invisible. I'm tired of the same thing happening every day. I'm sick of the same daily battles I have to fight. It never ends either. That's the scary part, because I don't know when it will end. It feels like it's been happening for as long as I can remember. I'm forced to act like I'm ok, or else people will ask the questions that I hate the most, "are you ok, what's wrong?" I'm not ok. Everything's wrong. But if I say that, it leads to even more questions. I don't want to answer anything, but I don't want to be silent and suffer in my own thoughts either. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe there's nothing wrong at all. Maybe it's the other people. Am I supposed to feel this way? I feel so much, but yet so little. Why did it have to come to this?

I've Had Enough.

Everything is catching up to me. I'm sick physically, and I'm starting to believe that I'm also sick mentally. I don't feel good at all. I've actually felt really bad for about a week and half. Today right after lunch, I left school. I didn't feel good at all. I still don't.

Today has been very hard for me. I've been thinking about everything, and worrying about everything. I've been crying off and on since I've got home. I actually had to sit down in the shower because I was getting dizzy and I was so upset.

Then, my dad and I got into a huge argument. Over stupid stuff too. Arguing for ignorant reasons is so stupid, but it was his fault.

I just want to curl up into a ball and be by myself, but I know that wish won't be granted. If I'm quiet, people think there's something wrong and ask me questions. Well there is something wrong, just talking doesn't help. But if I do talk, I get ignored. I don't understand anything or anyone at this point.

At least I understand myself.
I will win.

Death by a Chicken Wing.

Haha, I hope that title didn't scare you. I haven't posted a blog in a week, and I thought it would be nice to actually write about something funny instead of depressing like what I always write.

Anyway, I was eating a Garlic Parmesan chicken wing, (which is my favorite.)and all of the sudden I felt a crunch. I then realized that my tooth was gone. I ran to the bathroom, and I'm not getting into details but it was nasty.

So my tooth got murdered by a chicken wing.

R.I.P. tooth. I'll never forget you. <3

I'm laughing at myself. I think I'm crazy.

2012.

2012 is finally here. I am so happy that 2011 is over. Hopefully this year is better. I'm going to try to be a better person to myself this year. I know that sounds strange, but I'm not going to have a fake smile always on my face. My true feelings are coming out. I'm not changing for anyone else, they don't care anyway. I'm changing for myself.

1. As mentioned above, I'm not going to act like everything's fine anymore. I'm sick of that fake smile that I have to put on every day. I'm tired of pretending. It's not helping me at all. I'm tired of being silent, smiling like everything's ok. But inside, I'm fighting my own problems.

2. I'm sick of people telling me what to do, and that's not going to happen anymore. Everyone thinks that they can push me around. "Go do this, give me this." No. I'm not an animal. Go do it yourself. Maybe it would help you.

3. I'm going to sound like a selfish b-word on this one, but I have every right to. I'm not going to deal with people who don't care at all about me. I'm sick of associating with idiots who don't give a crap about my feelings. I try to help whoever needs help. All I'm asking is for at least some advice or something. Stop putting your nose so far up your butt and actually do something for someone else. If you are reading this and you know me, this probably doesn't apply to you so don't worry. But there are a few people that this is aimed towards. This issue happened the whole year of 2011. It's not going to happen anymore. I'd rather be a loner than someone who has to deal with people who obviously don't want me around.

Happy New Year.