200 questions and answers.

200: My crushs name is: I'm not telling you.
199: I was born in: 1996.
198: I am really: a girl.
197: My cellphone company is: Tracfone :(
196: My eye color is: Hazel
195: My shoe size is: 8 1/2
194: My ring size is: I don't know.
193: My height is: 5 foot 7 I think.
192: I am allergic to: Green Tea.
191: My 1st car was: haven't had one.
190: My 1st job was: don't have one.
189: Last book you read: "Monster" by Walter Dean Myers.
188: My bed is: a full.
187: My pet: I don't have one.
186: My best friend: I don't really have one.
185: My favorite shampoo is: anything that smells good.
184: Xbox or ps3: ps3.
183: Piggy banks are: good for saving money.
182: In my pockets: there is nothing.
181: On my calendar: Important dates.
180: Marriage is: ok as long as your with the one you love for sure.
179: Spongebob can: be president.
178: My mom: is cranky.
177: The last three songs I bought were? I don't buy songs.
176: Last YouTube video watched: a live performance of Love Me Love Me by BTR.
175: How many cousins do you have? like a million.
174: Do you have any siblings? nope.
173: Are your parents divorced? no.
172: Are you taller than your mom? yes
171: Do you play an instrument? no, but I can.
170: What did you do yesterday? cry.
[ I Believe In ]
169: Love at first sight: yes.
168: Luck: yes
167: Fate: yes
166: Yourself: sometimes
165: Aliens: no
164: Heaven: yes
163: Hell: yes
162: God: yes
161: Horoscopes: sometimes
160: Soul mates: yes
159: Ghosts: no
158: Gay Marriage: yes
157: War: no
156: Orbs: no
155: Magic: no
[ This or That ]
154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs
153: Drunk or High: neither.
152: Phone or Online: online.
151: Red heads or Black haired: black hair.
150: Blondes or Brunettes: I'm a brunette, but I choose blondes.
149: Hot or cold: cold
148: Summer or winter: winter.
147: Autumn or Spring: spring.
146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla.
145: Night or Day: day
144: Oranges or Apples: oranges
143: Curly or Straight hair: curly
142: McDonalds or Burger King: Burger King.
141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Milk Chocolate
140: Mac or PC: PC
139: Flip flops or high heals: Heels.
138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Ugly and rich.
137: Coke or Pepsi: coke
136: Hillary or Obama: Hillary. I actually met her.
135: Burried or cremated: Buried.
134: Singing or Dancing: Dancing.
133: Coach or Chanel: Coach.
132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: I don't know either one.
131: Small town or Big city: Big City.
130: Wal-Mart or Target: Target.
129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Adam Sandler.
128: Manicure or Pedicure: Manicure.
127: East Coast or West Coast: West coast.
126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Birthday
125: Chocolate or Flowers: Chocolate
124: Disney or Six Flags: Six Flags
123: Yankees or Red Sox: Yankees
[ Here's What I Think About ]
122: War: It sucks.
121: George Bush: Stupid.
120: Gay Marriage: Should be allowed everywhere.
119: The presidential election: idiotic.
118: Abortion: not sure.
117: MySpace: lame.
116: Reality TV: entertaining because the people are so stupid.
115: Parents: love/hate relationship.
114: Back stabbers: losers.
113: Ebay: great because I just bought a BTR necklace on there haha
112: Facebook: Pisses me off because I can't stand the people on there.
111: Work: I don't have a job.
110: My Neighbors: They are ok except for that one homie.
109: Gas Prices: should be lowered.
108: Designer Clothes: if I was rich I would buy them.
107: College: Hopefully going.
106: Sports: not my favorite.
105: My family: dysfunctional. (that's what a psychiatrist even called my family.)
104: The future: hopefully good.
[ Last time I ]
103: Hugged someone: a week ago.
102: Last time you ate: 2 hours ago
101: Saw someone I haven't seen in awhile: I'm not sure.
100: Cried in front of someone: my birthday.
99: Went to a movie theater: like 3 years ago.
98: Took a vacation: When I was about 6.
97: Swam in a pool: a month ago.
96: Changed a diaper: never.
95: Got my nails done: does doing my own nails count? I've never had mine done.
94: Went to a wedding: 5 years ago.
93: Broke a bone: never.
92: Got a peircing: never
91: Broke the law: can't remember.
90: Texted: 2 days ago.
[ MISC ]
89: Who makes you laugh the most: Big Time Rush.
88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my house.
87: The last movie I saw: I can't remember.
86: The thing that I'm looking forward to the most: this summer.
85: The thing im not looking forward to: school tomorrow.
84: People call me: a nerd.
83: The most difficult thing to do is: my Algebra II homework.
82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never
81: My zodiac sign is: Aries
80: The first person i talked to today was: my mom.
79: First time you had a crush: 1st grade.
78: The one person who i can't hide things from: myself.
77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: yesterday.
76: Right now I am talking to: no one.
75: What are you going to do when you grow up: hopefully something good.
74: I have/will get a job: that I enjoy.
73: Tomorrow: will probably suck.
72: Today: I did too much homework and now my brain is fried.
71: Next Summer: will hopefully be good.
70: Next Weekend: will suck.
69: I have these pets: I don't have any. :(
68: The worst sound in the world: Taylor Swift's voice.
67: The person that makes me cry the most is: everyone.
66: People that make you happy: Big Time Rush.
65: Last time I cried: yesterday night.
64: My friends are: ok.
63: My computer is: awesome.
62: My School: sucks.
61: My Car: I don't have one.
60: I lose all respect for people who: think it's ok to hurt other people.
59: The movie I cried at was: I've never cried because of a movie.
58: Your hair color is: brown.
57: TV shows you watch: WWE, BTR, Victorious.
56: Favorite web site: tumblr.
55: Your dream vacation: California.
54: The worst pain I was ever in was: cramps.
53: How do you like your steak cooked: I don't like steak.
52: My room is: a mess.
51: My favorite celebrity is: James Maslow and Logan Henderson.
50: Where would you like to be: A Big Time Rush concert.
49: Do you want children: possibly.
48: Ever been in love: yes.
47: Who's your best friend: once again, I don't have one.
46: More guy friends or girl friends: I trust guys more but I have more friends that are girls.
45: One thing that makes you feel great is: Big Time Rush.
44: One person that you wish you could see right now: everyone I know who has died. :(
43: Do you have a 5 year plan: what?
42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: yes.
41: Have you pre-named your children: yes.
40: Last person I got mad at: everyone.
39: I would like to move to: California.
38: I wish I was a professional: wrestler.
[ My Favorites ]
37: Candy: Twix. I also loooooove sixlets.
36: Vehicle: Dodge Viper.
35: President: Don't have one.
34: State visited: I don't go anywhere so I guess South Dakota?
33: Cellphone provider: I have the crappiest cell phone ever so I don't know.
32: Athlete: The Miz.
31: Actor: James Maslow.
30: Actress: Victoria Justice.
29: Singer: Lady Gaga
28: Band: Big Time Rush.
27: Clothing store: Kohl's.
26: Grocery store: Hyvee.
25: TV show: Big Time Rush
24: Movie: Big Time Movie.
23: Website: You already asked me that, but tumblr.
22: Animal: squirrel.
21: Theme park: never been to one so I don't have one.
20: Holiday: Christmas.
19: Sport to watch: wrestling.
18: Sport to play: Tennis.
17: Magazine: Seventeen.
16: Book: Speak.
15: Day of the week: Friday.
14: Beach: never been to one so I don't have one.
13: Concert attended: I've only been to one concert, and I hate that kind of music now.
12: Thing to cook: Pizza.
11: Food: Pizza.
10: Restaurant: Pizza Hut.
9: Radio station: Kiss FM.
8: Yankee candle scent: I don't know what that is?
7: Perfume: Circus by Britney Spears.
6: Flower: Daisy.
5: Color: Black.
4: Talk show host: anyone except Dr. Phil.
3: Comedian: don't have one.
2: Dog breed: Golden Retriever, Alaskan Klee Kai (like Fox <3), and Yorkie. 1: Did you answer all of these truthfully? Yep.

Found Old Photos.

I just found old pictures of me with my grandpa, and I'm crying uncontrollably. I'm a mess right now, my face is bright red and my eyes are puffy.

It's been almost a year and two months, but it feels like it was just yesterday when he passed away.

I miss him so much.

What I Need.

I need to get away from everyone. School, home, everything. I have so many things trapped inside of me. I want to go to the doctor all by myself. I want to tell him how I feel and cry and scream and let my feelings actually be heard. Maybe then I can be better. I feel like I'm crazy. This is probably the millionth time I've said it, but no one understands because they all believe the fake happiness I put on every day. It's pathetic. I just want someone who cares and will listen. I'm sick of living like this. Everything piles more and more on me each day. I don't know what to do.

A Rant About Almost Everything.

Because I can't handle this anymore. This will probably have a few curse words in it, so be warned.

I'm sitting here freaking crying while listening to "Invisible" by Big Time Rush. It feels like they are the only people who give a crap anymore even though I've never met them and I don't know them. Go ahead and call me a crybaby because of that, it won't be the worst thing I've been called today.

I'm not in a good mood today. I didn't put on the fake bullshit happy crap that I put on everyday and act like everything's fine. Everything is far from fine, and pretending hurts just as bad.

Just because I barely talked today and didn't look happy, people called me "grumpy". Are you serious? Yeah I'm fricking grumpy. You would be too if you went through the shit I've gone through in the last year. Grow up and take a look in the mirror. I don't call people "grumpy" if they are having a bad day. All I want is to be alone.

Then I got called a bitch by my mom.

Also, in so many words I got told that I don't matter anymore.

People need to just leave me alone. I'm way too stressed out and mad.

Control.

First of all, this will probably be a really short post because my laptop only has 13% battery left. I'm supposed to be in P.E., but the gym is closed for some fair or something, so I'm in the auditorium for study hall. Actually this might be a long post, someone just gave me a charger. I don't know why I'm blogging about charging a computer, but I am.

I feel that I've lost control over a lot of things. It feels like I can't control anything anymore. I hate that. It feels like other people are controlling everything I do. I barely even have control of my thoughts. I don't know what to think anymore. I want to help. I really do, but it feels like I can't. I'm scared to speak my mind because what if someone gets mad? What if people end up hating me because of the truth? I absolutely hate feeling like this because it feels like if I speak what I'm thinking, that's the only way I'll be able to let everyone know my thoughts. They'll hate me for it though. Can I risk that?

I don't even know what to write. All I want is for things to change. I want things to be better. Just when I think they are getting better, something extremely bad comes flying at me. It feels like I'm failing in everything right now. Algebra II, family, friends, and even myself.

I blog to let my feelings out. I never blog everything I think though. If I did that, everyone would probably classify me as "insane" and abandon me. I'm sick of worrying about a million different things all at one time. It feels like eventually it will all burst and I won't have any hope.

I just want to be ok.

Even on my Birthday.

I thought it all would be put aside and forgotten for at least today. It's my birthday, and I thought that everyone would get along because of that. I was wrong.

The yells and screams still happen just like any other day.

I'm sitting on the couch crying. Do they notice? No. Because no one cares. It's never been about me even though it feels like it's my fault. It's not my fault though. It's theirs. No one seems to understand. It's my birthday and I'm miserable. How great is that? I can never have one completely good day. The tears are coming down my face like a waterfall. I can't explain the mix of emotions I feel. It's not good. Don't worry? How can I not when it's happening around me and I have no control? It's injected into my head and there's not a thing I can do about it because I'm not that way. Not the person I deep down feel like I should be. I don't know anything except what's around me. That makes no sense, but neither does anything else right now.
I feel like I need something, but I don't know what. Maybe just a person I can hug and talk to and they'll understand? I need myself. I feel crazy. I'm confused and lost and feel like I'll never find my way to happiness. The darkness always comes and hits like a lightning bolt. Why? That's all I can ask. Thank you for ruining my birthday. That's just what I needed. Thanks a lot for making me feel like crap.

Happy fricking Birthday to me.