Breakdown.

Today was tough. It was going good until we went to visit my grandma.

The day started off great, doing the normal grocery shopping with my mom, then out to lunch at one of my favorite places. Then like every Saturday, we went out to my grandma's nursing home to visit her and take her snacks and other things that she needed. She started talking about how she thinks there's money in this one place. (not saying how much $ or where, it's none of your business.) Even with her having dementia, that's one thing I don't think she'll ever forget. But the next part is the part that hit not only myself, but my mom also very hard. Grandma said "we need to get the money now, because I know my memory is going bad. I may not remember anything a year from now."

My mom sat there silently crying, and I can't explain how I felt. To you, what she said may seem like nothing, but it would kill you inside also if you were having to see your own grandmother basically say that she knows she's forgetting things and is worried about whether she'll remember anything in a year or not.

That isn't the only thing that stabbed me in the heart though. She then proceeded to talk about my grandpa who passed away. How he wanted that money for me to go to college. The next thing she did ripped me into pieces though. She reached over and grabbed a picture. A picture of my grandpa and I.

I broke down. I finally let it out.

All three of us, my grandma, mom, and I sat there crying. Wishing things were back to the way they were, but knowing that it never will be. My grandma looked at me and said "I've never seen you cry before, you are always smiling". That smile I always try to have is fake.

The truth is, I don't know what's fake or real.

It doesn't help that when I got home, things didn't get better. They got worse. I don't want to go into detail though.

I just hope it all ends soon. 2011 has been the worst year of my life. All I can do is hope and pray that 2012 is better.

Happy New Year's eve to me.

Things to Stop Doing To Yourself.

After the last blog that I posted a few minutes ago, I decided to google "things to stop doing to yourself." I found a list of 30 great things that most people should quit doing to themselves. I'm not going to post all 30, but I will post my favorites and the ones I feel that affect me. If you're interested in reading the rest, go to http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

Something I Saw on Facebook.

Here's something I found on Facebook. I agree with this quote.

"Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends."

Christmas.

Yesterday was a good day. Of course it had it's ups and downs though (like when my dad and grandma were talking about how some woman caused the bruise on her arm, and how my grandma walked into her room and told her off).

I woke up at about 8:30, which is actually late for me considering it's Christmas. Usually on Christmas, I'm up at 7 running around like a hyper squirrel. After about 5 minutes of waiting to open gifts, I gave my mom her gift. Crossword puzzles. I know that sounds stupid, but she loves to do those. I gave my dad his presents, a Dale Earnhardt Jr. race car thing with candy in it, and some cologne. Then I finally opened mine.

Here's what I got:
A bottle of nail polish
Nail polish remover
A gift card to Starbucks (I LOVE Starbucks.)
A Visa Gift Card (I can use it anywhere, even online.)
Money
2 Nintendo DS Games
Then the most amazing gift ever, a Big Time Rush blanket. It's AWESOME. It has their faces on it.

After I opened gifts, I made a chocolate pie which was for dessert last night. Then I cleaned up all of the wrapping paper and junk laying in a huge pile in the middle of the dining room. (Yes, our tree is in the dining room, my house is small.)

At about 12, we went and picked up my grandma from the nursing home. We got a call earlier in the day from her living facility saying that she went in some old woman's room and told that lady off. Both my mom and I thought she was going to be in a terrible mood, but surprisingly she wasn't. That was a miracle.

We ate supper at 3. There was SO much food. We had ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans with cheese sauce on them (YUM!), and dinner rolls. Unfortunately we forgot the chocolate pie I made until after grandma went home. So we really didn't have dessert until about 2 hours after supper.

That was pretty much my day yesterday. Now I have to go after Christmas shopping with my mom and aunt. This should be an adventure.

Craziness.

Wow time goes by quick. I can't believe that tomorrow is going to be Christmas Eve already! I can't wait for this year to finally be over.

Today was a great day. It was nice to finally spend time with people who care about me and aren't complete b-words. I haven't been stressed at all today. We cooked a LOT of food for tomorrow's party at my grandma's. The best part was getting to try that food lol. After cooking for about 5 hours at grandmas, I came home and baked cookies to take up there tomorrow. Usually I am the worst cookie baker in the world, but they actually came out REALLY good. I'm proud of myself.

Tomorrow is going to be non-stop. I'm going to do the normal grocery shopping/lunch that I do every Saturday. After that, I'm going to go visit my grandma who lives in a nursing home. She's the one I'm always writing about that has dementia. Then I finally get to go to my other grandma's party with my dad's side of the family. They are awesome. It feels like I barely see them though since I'm always doing things with my mom's side of the family (whom I strongly dislike for multiple reasons) now since my grandma lives in the same city I do. So it's going to be really nice to finally relax and have fun (and eat a LOT) tomorrow night.

BTR.

I just want to take a quick minute to write about how much Big Time Rush means to me. Of course, you're probably thinking "she's obsessed with them, that's all she talks about". If you think that, you don't understand. It feels like they have been there for me when no one else has. They are the ones who have made me happy on my worst days. Even if I don't know them personally, it's nice to have something that makes you smile and laugh when you feel like giving everything up. They mean the world to me, and I don't know what I would do without them.
(I'm going to post some funny BTR gif's, hopefully they'll work.)

Thank you Big Time Rush for everything you do.

Edit: Crap, the GIF's won't move on here.
Oh well, the pics are still funny.

Symptoms/Ranting

This is going to be the stupidest blog post ever, but I realized that a lot of strange things have been happening to me recently.

- I got a strange rash on my arm last Monday, and it REALLY burned. It started in one patch, then it spread throughout my arm in tiny dots.

- My eye keeps twitching off and on, and I have no clue why. It's really irritating though.

- My right eye was blurry all day Sunday. It was freaking me out. But now I can see out of it, luckily.

- I keep feeling faint whenever I stand for a long time. I've been to the doctor three times in the past 2 months to try to figure out what's making me do that. I even have had blood taken twice. My doctor came to the conclusion about a month and a half ago that it was stress causing it, and to come back if it happened anymore, because that would mean something is seriously wrong. It's happened about 4 times since he said that though, and every time I tell my parents, they just say "if it happens again, then we'll take you to the doctor". I'm scared I'm going to actually faint like during Spanish class in April.

- I keep coughing, but I think that's just a cold or something.

- I've been unhappy. I blame that on this year.

The bell is going to ring, so I better get going.

Things We Have To Face.

No matter who you are, you have to go through hard things in your life. Some people have it worse than others. But the hard part is getting through your problems. Waking up and knowing that everything's fine, and you have survived another day. It's hard to be grateful for anything when you have been pushed so far. You keep getting pushed and pushed further, until you're standing on the edge of the cliff wondering if you should jump. No one's pushing you now, it's your own decision. You want to scream, but if you do people will think there is something mentally wrong with you. The boss always yells and tells you what to do. But why should you follow their orders? What makes them better than you? You are your own person, you should do what you want to do.

What do you say when your grandma comes up to you and says "I know I'm forgetting things, is that ok?" You know deep down that it's not ok, it will never get better. But you manage to choke out a "yes" and try to hold back your tears. The same tears that have been trapped inside for what feels like forever. There's nothing you can do.

What do you do when someone keeps bringing up something that you want to erase from your memory? You're forced to listen to it, the words echoing in your ears, traveling to your brain. You can't quit thinking about it now. One word is all it takes to make you break. You can't bring him back. He's gone. But you can't face that, so you try to forget about it. It won't get better. It will never get better.

Questions

Why do people do things that they know is only going to hurt others? Do they enjoy knowing that the other person feels like nothing now? Why do people constantly bring up something that makes you so upset? Do they enjoy the fact that you want to run far away to a place where you can finally be understood, not judged, but you can't so you sit there trying not to cry but on the inside you're dying? Repeating the same thing over and over until I can't handle it anymore and finally have a breakdown. Is that fun? Is someone getting entertained by that? Will things ever get better? Why can't we get over things, no matter how hard we try? Why do I have to pretend to be happy, even though I'm not? Does anyone understand me?

I Can't Fight How I Feel.

I'm not in the best mood right now. I'm about 5% happy that it's Friday, but the other 95% of me is sad and angry.

I was having a good day yesterday until I received a Christmas card in the mail from someone in my family. I opened it up, and the first word I saw made me instantly break down. They wrote my dad's name, my mom's name, my name, and then the name of my dog that died. They must not have known that he died. It killed me inside though. It hurts to think about him. I ended up throwing the card and going in the bathroom to cry. I've been doing that in the bathroom a lot the last 9 months, because I don't like to cry in front of people. Plus I'm tired of people wondering what's wrong, because they don't understand.

It's crazy how one thing can change your entire day. My mood can change in less than a second.

Sunday, my grandma is coming over to bake cookies. That's something my grandpa, my grandma and I used to do every time they visited. But now he's gone. I'm not emotionally prepared to do this, because I know that she's going to talk about him constantly. I have a feeling I'm going to be crying in the bathroom a lot Sunday.

I wish I could lock myself in the bathroom and never leave.

"Overachiever"

What's so bad about being the "good kid who never gets in trouble"? I'm called an overachiever, a nerd, and goody-goody, and many other things just because I do my work and don't get in any trouble. People think that I'm too "good" to know about anything bad or do anything bad. They act like I'm stupid.

But honestly, I'd rather be an "overachiever" instead of someone who fails and has to work at McDonalds for the rest of their life for minimum wage. I'd rather be the "one who never gets into fights" than be arrested for assault. I'd rather be safe in my own house instead of being on the street doing something I shouldn't be doing. I'd rather be healthy instead of smoking, drinking, and getting high like most of the people in my school. I'd rather succeed in life than fail.

Lyrics

Invisible by Big Time Rush♥

do you ever wonder, when you listen to the thunder
and your world just feels so small
put yourself on the line and time after time
keep feeling inside that they don’t know you’re alive
are you out of mind or just invisible

but i won’t let you fall
i’ll see you, through them all
and i just wanna let you know

oh, when the lights go down in the city
you’ll be right there shining bright
you’re a star and the sky’s the limit
and i’ll be right by your side
oh, you know, you’re not invisible to me
oh, you know, you’re not gonna be invisible

do you ever think of, what you’re standing at the brink of
feel like giving up, but you just can’t walk away
and night after night, always trying to decide
are you gonna speak out or get lost in the crowd
do you take a chance or stay invisible?

but i won’t let you fall
i’ll see you, through them all
and i just wanna let you know


oh, when the lights go down in the city
you’ll be right there shining bright
you’re a star and the sky’s the limit
and i’ll be right by your side
oh, you know, you’re not invisible to me
oh, you know, you’re not gonna be invisible

gotta look far, i’ll be where you are
i wish you could see what i see
so don’t ask why, just look inside
baby it’s all you need
and i don’t understand why you won’t (you won’t)
take my hand and go
cause you’re so beautiful
and every time that

oh, when the lights go down in the city
you’ll be right there shining bright
you’re a star and the sky’s the limit
and i’ll be right by your side
oh, you know, you’re not invisible to me
oh, you know, you’re not gonna be invisible

oh, when the lights go down in the city
you’ll be right there shining bright
you’re a star and the sky’s the limit
and i’ll be right by your side
oh, you know, you’re not invisible to me
oh, you know, you’re not gonna be invisible

The Worst Year of My Life

This is for anyone who is wondering why most of my blogs sound so depressing, and for people who are wondering what's happened to me this year. (these aren't in order by the way.)

1. My dog dies. This started off my terrible year. I miss him so much. I think about him everyday, and still cry because he's not here.

2. My grandpa dies the day after my dog died. I was definitely not ready for this. I thought that the surgery he needed would go fine, and everything would be ok. But he got an infection and died. I miss him sooooo much. Even though he wasn't technically my real grandpa, just my step-grandpa, I still loved him and thought of him as my real grandpa and I always will.

3. My grandma (the one who was married to my grandpa) gets dementia, and can't take care of herself. This has really hit my whole family hard. It's really hard to see someone you love so much go through this disease. The part that hurts the worse is that it's only going to get worse, and someday she will forget who I am. I'm not ready for that.

4. Some crazy lady (not going to say her name) get's power of attorney over my grandma, puts her in a nursing home in the middle of nowhere, and steals her money. We are STILL fighting over this. I don't really want to get into details though.

5. My mom becomes guardian of my grandma and we bring my grandma to the city I live in. This is still crazy to me. There's so much stress that my whole family is going through because of this. It is a good thing though that my grandma lives close to us, and we can spend time with her.

6. Three trips across the state and back. This is the most I've traveled in my entire life. My grandma and grandpa used to live clear across the state from us since my aunt lives in that city also. (Not saying where, in case you're a creeper.) The first trip was in March for my Grandpa's funeral. I was down there for four days then. The second trip was in April after the crazy woman put my grandma in a nursing home in the middle of nowhere and took over her life. We went down there to try to at least see my grandma, but we were banned from seeing her. It's pretty stupid when you get banned from seeing your own grandma. But that's what happened. We even called a cop, and he couldn't help us. The woman had control of everything, and she didn't let us see her. That trip was quick but very stressful. The third and last trip was in June, and that was to finally get my grandma. That was fast also, one day down there, one day back, but it was rewarding. To know my grandma was safe and I could see her was amazing.

This year has changed me, and I might not ever be the same.

Here we go again.

More worries. Just when I think I have enough stuff to think about and stress over, more happens. It seems like I can't control it either. It's all around me, and it's going into my brain and I can't quit thinking about it. There's nothing I can do to stop it. It keeps coming, more and more each day. It feels like no one can understand it except me. I have no idea what to do about it though. No one will help me.

My grandma is getting worse. It's getting really hard for me to see her. She complains a lot, and we are getting a lot of phone calls from her living facility that she is being bad. I'm worried about her because I know that it's only going to get worse, not better. The disease will slowly eat her brain. Just like everything else, there's nothing I can do about it. I can't stop it.

I don't even know what's happening every day until it happens. I used to know everything that was going on. Now I don't. I'm not happy about anything. I honestly think that there's something wrong with me and that I need to see a doctor. I'm never happy. Yesterday was really strange. I don't know if it was just everything catching up to me from the last year or what. I was really sad and angry. I have nothing to be excited about. I know, you're probably thinking "well, Christmas is coming up, she should be excited for that!" I'm not, because all it's going to be is a s*** load of family drama. I'm not looking forward to that at all. You'd understand if you were in my shoes.

I try not to tell anyone about all of this, because I figure if they are like me, they have enough stuff to worry about. Plus if I tell anyone, they won't care. They'll just say "ok." People are so self-centered. That's why we have this screwed up world.

It's a never ending battle, but I have to keep fighting.

Quick Update/Madrigal

Sorry I haven't been blogging that much. I've been SUPER busy with family and school activities. Yesterday night and Friday night was Madrigal. It was ok Friday until some idiot people messed everything up, so then everyone was in a bad mood. In my opinion though, yesterday sucked. It was crazy, and people younger than me were trying to boss me around. I hate being bossed around, no matter who it is. So that really pissed me off, and I'm not in the best of moods today either. Life would be better if people had manners and respect for others.

No More

There's only so much a heart can take. Mine's holding way too much now, and it feels like it's about ready to quit working.
I haven't been happy in a long time. Every since March, I've done nothing but worry. I know that's a bad thing. Stress isn't good for anyone. I feel gone almost, like I'm not here. Sure, I act like I'm happy at school, but I'm not. It feels like no one cares about my feelings, they just want me to feel worse. Everyone is too wrapped up in their own drama. That's how I should start being though. No one else cares, so why should I? It's killing me having to worry about ten times more than I should be worrying about. 15 year olds should be enjoying life, not having to go through what I'm going through. I want it all to be over. I'm sorry if I offend anyone, or if anyone thinks I'm selfish for this, but if you've been going through what I've been going through, you would understand.

Quick Post/Fangirling again.

I'm in dance class right now, and since one of my partners for the Chinese Ribbon Dance isn't going to be here Friday to present, my teacher is going to let us present next Tuesday, which takes a LOT of stress off of me. So thank you to my awesome dance teacher!

I'm sitting by myself listening to "Invisible" by Big Time Rush. I absolutely love this song. It's beautiful. "Oh! When the lights go down in the city, you'll be right there shining bright. You're a star, the sky's the limit, and I'll be right by your side." The song feels like it speaks to me. So for the 0.00000000000004% chance that any of the members of BTR are reading this, THANK YOU. You guys are honestly life savers. They've helped me so much. If it weren't for them, I don't know where I would be. I probably wouldn't even talk. They have helped me get through this terrible year. I know some people don't understand how some celebrities can help so much, but I do. And I believe that someday, they are going to be HUGE. They're beautiful people inside and out, and they honestly care about their fans.

Sorry for my fangirling, but once I start talking about them, I can't stop. They mean so much to me.

Procrastination.

I'm sitting in study hall, where I really should be doing my homework. But I'm not. I'm blogging about how I should do my homework. I find this funner than actually doing my homework. I have a dance paper to do, which luckily isn't due until Friday, along with a poster and a demonstration of the dance. That's already half done, I only have one more page to write, but I'm stuck. There isn't that many things you can write about a dance that didn't even originate in your country. So if anyone out there knows anything about Chinese Ribbon Dancing, please tell me.

Next I have a 3 part World History assignment that's due tomorrow. I have one part of it done already. But now I have to make a concept cube and make a weird hanger thing about the Middle Ages. I'll probably do that at home later, and I'm not looking forward to it.

Last, I have an Algebra ll worksheet that's due tomorrow. I actually would be doing it right now, but I don't understand it at all. My teacher only explained the really easy problems, but then she gives us hard problems that we have no clue how to do.

Confessions.

My dad is watching some stupid movie on my main computer, so I'm using the sucky school laptops right now. I'm bored, so I thought I would post some truths about me.

1. I should really be doing my homework right now. I have two assignments in history, a dance paper to do, and algebra ll. The History and Algebra are both due Tuesday, which SUCKS, but the dance paper is due Friday.

2. The school computers suck. The bad thing is, a lot of people agree with me on this one. Yes, I'm grateful to even have one, but the quality of these things is like a public toilet. They're crappy. Plus, I have long nails, and typing on a laptop with long nails is not easy.

3. I worry about things that I can't change. Death. My grandma's dementia. The future. This whole year in general. Friends, family. I know I can't change it, and that bothers me a lot.

4. My Desktop Publishing teacher deserves to have his own comedy show. I know this is a SUPER strange thing to write part of a blog post about, but this dude is hilarious. He says "K" so many times that if you were around him for a whole day,it would drive the sanest person into a mental ward. I find it really funny though. I've counted how many times he's said that in one class period before (a class period is an hour and a half) and the results came to over 400 times. That's crazy. He also gets mad at the software, and tells everyone that he's going to "call the creators and chew them out." Haha. To whoever's reading this: If you met this dude, you would love him in a very strange way. Either that, or you would need mental help.

5. I don't think I'm a good friend. I feel like I'm really selfish when it comes to friendship. I don't mean to be. I don't know if it's part of being an only child and hating to share, or if it's just that I'm selfish. It feels like I can't help my friends when they are going through tough times. Deep down, I panic and don't know how to help them. I want to be there for them, but it feels like if I try to do/say anything, it won't work and it will only harm them more. Especially the situation right now with Zebra. (not her real name.) I have no idea what to say or do. I worry about her a lot. I know she's going through a super hard time, but I don't know how to help. All I can do is hope and pray that everything gets better.

6. I don't like the traditional Thanksgiving food. I'm only saying this because I had turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy tonight. I don't like turkey. I think it tastes gross. I honestly don't like ham that much either. Generally, I don't like meat. I don't eat hamburger. A lot of people think that I'm a vegetarian, but I'm not. I just don't think meat tastes good.

7. I HATE having my picture taken. I don't think I'm pretty at all. I never take pictures of myself. My Facebook picture has been the same since the first day I got it. If there's something covering my face like a mask or glasses, then I'm fine. Otherwise, I despise having my picture taken.

8. I feel like I'm too mature to be a "teenager". I've never felt like a teenager. I feel like I've went from being a kid straight to being an adult. I don't go party. I can't even go outside my house by myself. I feel like a prisoner. I've been through things most people never go through until they are way older than just 15, and I think that's part of the reason why I feel more mature.


There's way more, but I'm tired of typing. I'll probably continue this some other time.

A Random Fangirl Post/Elevate Album Review

Ok, so if you know me, you know that I absolutely LOVE Big Time Rush. Well I'm super bored and listening to their new album "Elevate". (if you haven't listened to any of the songs, BUY THE ALBUM NOW! it's AMAZING!) Anyway, I'm going to post my favorite quotes from the songs, and write a review type thing of each song.


Music Sounds Better With U- "I try to write this down, the words just don't come out, it's hard to say how you feel." This was the second single of the album (If I Ruled The World was the first.) and I love this song. In my opinion, the beginning is perfect. When I first heard it, I almost cried, because it reminds me of what's happened to me this year. It is hard to say how I feel.

Show Me- "Guys like me like girls like you, and girls like you like guys like me." Being the fangirl that I am, I wish they were singing this to me. It does sound kind of dirty though if you have a dirty mind lol.

All Over Again- "Still got the same look that sets me off. Guess there's just something about you." That's my favorite line from the song because if you have ever had a crush that you've been crushing on for so long it feels like you're in love with them, you'd understand. There's just something about that person that makes you love them.

No Idea- "I love you, if you ain't got nobody to love. And girl I adore you, when there's no one to adore. And I'll know you, if you want somebody to know." I've felt alone this entire year, and this song really feels like it's talking to me. If anyone ever sung this to me, I'd probably love them forever.

Cover Girl- "Somehow you always see the dark side, when everything's okay. And you wear baggy clothes that camoflague your shape. Woah, but you know that I love you, just the way you're made." This song honestly makes me cry like a baby. The fact that BTR wrote this is incredible. Almost every girl is insecure about their looks and their bodies, but this song talks about no matter what you look like, you are still beautiful to someone. So to my friend "Zebra", (that's not her real name.) if you're reading this, I want to dedicate this song to you.

Love Me Love Me- "Jaw drop, heart stop, we eye lock. I must be dreamin' don't hit the alarm clock." Where do I even begin to review this song? Three words: BEST SONG EVER. I've loved this from the moment I heard it. It's super catchy, and I'm pretty sure everyone is already annoyed by my constant dancing and lip-synching to this song. Once again, the line I wrote down from the song pretty much describes when your crush and you make eye contact. You pretty much about have a heart attack. (well at least I do anyway.) I also love the part of the song that says "Ready?" then it says "GO!" repeatedly like 15 times. I bob my head like a turkey then.

If I Ruled The World- "Be who you are, love is all you need." Every time I listen to this I honestly get up out of my seat, and kick off my shoes like I'm down at the beach. Even if I'm not wearing shoes. Then I shout "ayo." Some people don't understand. If you're a rusher, you understand though.

Invisible- "Oh, when the lights go down in the city, you'll be right there shining bright, you're a star and the sky's the limit, and I'll be right by your side. Oh, you know, you're not invisible to me." The first time I listened to this, I was in awe. Carlos wrote this song. Sometimes I do feel like I'm invisible, but this song makes me feel so much better. This song proves BTR's love for rushers. It's about their fans, and how their not invisible to them.

Time Of Our Life- "Don't worry about a thing, just dance dance dance." I do love dancing, even though I'm not that great at it. I don't really know what else to write about this song though, because it really doesn't have a deep meaning. It's mainly just a party song about having the time of your life.

Superstar- "You're shinin' like a star, I wanna be where you are, are. Oh no, oh no. Let's take over this club. You're shinin' bright in the dark, dark. You light up the night!" This song is one of my favorites off Elevate because I waited FOREVER for it. It's a fun song, and I like dancing to it. Plus, Logan sounds flawless in it. I majorly fangirled when this song was on an episode of BTR.

"You're Not Alone"- "Cause you're not alone, girl. Look over your shoulder. You don't have to wonder. Cause you know, you know, you know. You're not alone." I'm in tears as I write this. That song is so touching. I've felt alone all year, and to hear them sing about how I'm not alone makes me cry. They have helped me out a lot this year. Just by listening to their music, watching their TV shows, or other things about them on YouTube is like medicine for me.

Elevate- "Elevate a little higher lets throw a party in the sky and celebrate. Elevate until we're flying. Move your feet till you levitate, c'mon lets elevate." This is my second favorite song off the album. It's catchy and fun. I'm not sure what the meaning of it is though. It's another party song, but it's great.

Overall, this album is amazing. It was worth the wait, even though the wait seemed like forever! BTR have definitely elevated with this album. If you want to listen to it, you can listen here:
http://www.cambio.com/2011/11/14/big-time-rush-elevate-album-premiere/

Thanks for reading!

Pain

Why is there such a thing as pain? Emotionally, physically it stabs you. Stabs you right through your brain. It can ruin days, weeks, months, even years if you let it. But sometimes you can't control it. It can be caused by other people. They will keep harming you, emotionally, physically, until you feel like nothing. A piece of crumpled, ripped up paper in the garbage.
But just because you're in pain now doesn't mean you will be forever. Everything will end eventually. Just because one person harms you, it doesn't mean that it's every persons goal to hurt you. There are over seven billion people in the world. There are people who love and care about you. Never give up hope.

Today's Thoughts

It always seems like I'm happier at school. When I go home, my day instantly turns upside down. I'm tired of the constant complaining. I can't get away from it. It's all I can hear, and it will never stop.
At school, I'm usually smiling. School is the only place where I can laugh. Of course there's an occasional idiot or something else that makes me mad, but for the most part, I'm happy. When I go home though, all I do is cry. I cry because I'm constantly reminded of this year. "Grandpa, Grandma, dementia, nursing home, death". Those words travel through my ears, stabbing me in my already weakened heart. Sometime it's going to explode like a volcano. The lava will never quit flowing. It will be over.
The sad thing is that no one cares. No one cares about how I feel. I'm there for everyone else when they are depressed, but I'm all alone. I've been alone this whole year. It's always been about someone else. Always about someone else and their feelings. I've been on and off depression medication, fainted so many times I can't count. I've had my blood taken 2 times, been to the doctor 3 times all in the last month. But they only think it effects them. They don't realize that I'm in the background knowing that all of this is happening. I know what people are doing, I'm not stupid. This is the real world though, and I can't escape it.

Thoughts from yesterday.

I wrote this down on a piece of paper in Desktop Publishing yesterday, but never got time to type it last night, so I'm typing it now.

Today has been a really good day actually. It's nice to finally have good days after how my life's been for the last year. It felt nice to have someone pat me on the back and tell me to calm down, everything is fine. That simple pat was like medicine for me. The strength to survive another day. The medicine that helps you heal, become healthy again.

This year has been very hard. Finding the strength to even struggle through it was unimaginably difficult. But I survived. The things I've been through so far have made me stronger. I've also learned some important lessons also. Never give up. Life's too short to worry about things that have already happened, you can't go back and change them. Everything does happen for a reason. You might not know the reason when it happens, but you will figure it out eventually. For the first time in almost a year, I can say life is ok.

School.

A Lovely Year By Year Survey Created by Fadingstar and taken 943 times on Bzoink
Preschool
Did you have preschool? One year or two?:	one
Did you enjoy it?:	yes
Could you spell your name by then?:	yep
Could you buckle your cordoroy overalls?:	nope haha
Were you an emo crybaby?:	yes
Did you have show and tell? What did you bring?:	we didn't have one in preschool.
Kindergarten
Did you hate the schoolbus?:	I never rode the bus.
Did you ever scream and cry and grab for your mom?:	yes.
Did you have a kids tv show themed backpack?:	probably.
Were you afraid of the bathroom?:	nope
Do you remember the field trips?:	yes
Do you remember ANYTHING about kindergarten?:	yes
Were you the kid who tied the other kid's shoes, or did people tie yours?:	people tied mine. LIKE A BOSSSSS. lmao
1st Grade
Did you memorize all those stupid clapping songs? 'Miss Suzie had a..':	yeah haha
Are you still chummy with your friends from first grade?:	unfortunately no because they all moved. :(
What kind of people did they turn out to be?:	good people i guess?
What was your playground ritual?:	i was everywhere.
Moment of glory?:	when that one dude acted like he sold popcorn haha
Ever pee yourself?:	yes. this is embarrassing.
Were you an early bloomer or a late bloomer?:	average i guess?
2nd Grade
Love or loathe story time?:	loathe
Have you seen your second grade teacher in awhile?:	no
Did you sneak some of your snack out of your desk before snacktime?:	nope
Who were your best friends?:	Sam
Girl/Boy Scouts?:	nooooooo
3rd Grade
Was third grade a short year to you?:	no it was forever.
Did you feel like a big shot finally being in elementary school?:	I was in elementary school when i was in preschool?
Ever pick on anybody?:	no.
Were you picked on?:	nope. i actually never was until middle school.
Were you a bookworm or an anti-reader?:	in the middle.
4th Grade
What was the worst trouble you got into in 4th grade?:	I didn't get into trouble. The teacher didn't like me though.
Best friends..same or different?:	Same. Sam :)
Were the field trips satisfactory?:	oh yes.
How was your first encounter with the nurse about puberty?:	i didn't have one.
Did boys still suck?:	no. but i'm not telling ANYONE about that haha.
5th Grade
Did you pick on the younger kids?:	no.
What was your style?:	girly.
What was your favorite color?:	green
Is your haircolor the same as it was in fifth grade?:	yes
Who was your favorite musican?:	gosh, i don't want to even talk about it. I liked country music back then.
Were you good with book reports?:	yep
What did you do at recess?:	went down the pole thing.
Were you liked/popular?:	yep
Were you a rebel or a conformist?:	what?
6th Grade
Was being at the bottom of the food chain again totally nerve racking?:	yes.
How were those awkward preteen years?:	I actually LOVED 6th grade.
Were you ever picked on?:	yes.
Were you afraid to go to the bathroom?:	why would i be afraid?
What did you care about most?:	Someone. ♥
7th Grade
How were your grades in the 7th, better or worse?:	only one was terrible thanks to that jerk of a teacher.
Did anything change for you in 7th?:	yes.
Pick up any activities?:	nope.
Pick on the 6th graders?:	no i never pick on anyone.
Befriend the 8th graders?:	no.
8th Grade
Top of the food chain once again! How was it?:	YEAH BUDDY
Did you hang out with the older kids?:	nope
How were your grades?:	they were good
Were you a popular kid?:	not really, but people knew me.
Did you enjoy 8th grade?:	yes.
9th Grade
Were you afraid of upperclassmen?:	kind of.
Were you friends with any older kids?:	nope.
Were you stylin?:	ew not really.
Did you think you knew it all?:	kind of.
Did your parents suck?:	yes.
Do they still?:	YES.
10th Grade.. (Leave blank if you havent reached 10th)
How were those finals?:	I'm in 10th grade right now, so i'm not filling out the rest of this.
Did you get your permit?:
Did you crash at all?:
Did you drive kids when you weren't supposed to?:
Did you go to the junior prom?:
11th Grade
Did you plan on going to college?:
Love life?:
Have trouble with zits?:
Get in any fights?:
12th Grade
Did senior year rock?:
You havent reached senior year yet, have you?:
Any regrets?:
What are you doing with your life right now (no matter what grade):
Rate your educational career.:
You know you love it:
You've been totally Bzoink*d! Take This Survey | Search Surveys | Create a Survey

You're the reason things have to change Created by -xoxo and taken 17 times on Bzoink
What's your least favorite thing about the internet?:	When it freezes or doesn't work.
What is the worst thing a teacher has done to you?:	Gave me an F for no reason.
Have you ever heard of Framing Hanley?:	Nope.
What's your favorite ice cream flavor?:	Coffee, Vanilla Bean, or Strawberry Cheesecake
Have you ever made / tried friendship bread!?:	My dad made it once and I tried it.
Do you have good skin?:	idk? I guess so?
What type of tea do you like?:	Sweet Tea.
Would you ever go storm chasing?:	No, I don't want to die.
Ever been back stabbed by a "friend"/:	yes.
Are you a fan of Drake?:	not really.
If you could stop time for a whole 24 hours, what would you do?:	Dance like a crazy person.
What's the most disgusting thing you've ever seen?:	You don't want to know.
What was the last youtube video you watched?:	Something with BTR in it.
Has someone ever pushed you down a stair case?:	no.
What does your hair look like in the morning?:	Not bad actually.
Where were you 3 hours ago?:	Sitting here. hahah
Do you need to do laundry?:	No.
Do you use hot sauce on your tacos?:	I don't like tacos.
Have you ever fake tanned?:	No that's gross. I don't want to be orange.
What do you want to know about the future?:	I want to know if it will get better or not.
You've been totally Bzoink*d! Take This Survey | Search Surveys | Create a Survey

Survey Answers

Another simple original survey Created by captainpat and taken 54 times on Bzoink
What Time Is it?:	5:35 p.m.
Have you ever been to NYC?:	no, but I would like to go.
Do you like math?:	no. I can't stand it.
Did you ever steal anything before?:	no.
What are you doing right now?:	filling out this.
If you could fly, would you give rides to your friends if they asked?:	yes.
Yeah, i wish i could fly. Don\'t you?:	of course! then i could poop on whoever i don't like.
Would you jump off the empire state building if you had a parachute?:	no. i'm a chicken.
Speaking of parachutes, skydiving sounds fun, would you ever go?:	no.
have you ever cheated on someone?:	nope
Who loves orange soda?:	ME!
is it true?:	yes.
Do you remember what that\'s from?:	i have no clue what you're talking about.
Do you remember Rocko\'s Modern Life, or Doug?:	kind of.
Have you ever skateoarded before?:	i tried in a store once.
When you go to burger king do you feel bad for the people making your food?:	kind of.
What would you do if a teacher hit you?:	flip out and call my mom. or put a wrestling move on him/her.
Have you ever microwaved something you shouldn't microwave on purpose?:	no. my microwave sucks anyway.
do you ever have to mow your lawn?:	nope.
Do you like clowns?:	no
Do you like the fair?:	i've been to one fair and never want to go to another one.
Are you one of those people that takes hundreds of pictures of themselves?:	no. i hate taking pictures of myself.
And those people that have 60 picutres of them in a mirror on thier myspace:	haha no. i don't have a myspace anyway.
Did you ever wanna break a world record as a kid?:	yes.
Do you like Dr. Pepper?:	yeah, it's one of my favorite pops.
What do you think the 23 flavors are?:	goodness.
Are you a mall rat?:	nope
Who would win in a fight between Ronald McDonald and The King:	The King. because he's the King.
If a hobo gave you a hug what would you do?:	run for my life.
Would you give Obama a fist bump?:	no.
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Bored.

It's Sunday. I've done absolutely nothing today. Well not exactly nothing, but close to nothing. I've mainly been on the computer all day. It's nice to relax and do whatever I want though. Right now I am taking a bunch of quizzes and stuff and answering them, so I might post a few.

Burning

It feels like I can't take it anymore. But I have to act like everything's fine and keep going. I'm sick of pretending. I'm tired of being the "quiet girl who never talks." I do talk. But when I do, most of the time I get judged. I get yelled at. I'm sick and tired of people yelling at me and I just have to sit there and not say anything. That's unfair. I think that everyone has a right to a good life. But it's hard when you don't even want to go home anymore because you get screamed at. They promise that they will quit. They never do. It's all lies. It's to the point where I can't believe anyone but myself. I've trusted way too many people in my life and figured it out the hard way. It's pretty bad when you lock yourself in the bathroom and cry your eyes out because you don't know what to do. That's what happens to me. When I cry, the tears burn. The tears are parts of my heart burning. I'm getting ripped apart, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I can't do what I want. I get told what to do. It feels like I don't even know who I am anymore. I am what other people are making me. When will this be over? When will I be happy again?

Time Heals.

I went to the doctor today, and he said something that really hit me. "Time heals." The more and more I think about it, the more I realize that it's true. If you are having a bad day, week, month, or even year, it will all eventually get better with time.

Questions and Answers.

I found this on tumblr. I'm going to answer everything truthfully.


1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?  Yes.
2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? No.
3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time? Right now.
4. Would you ever smile at a stranger? Yes. I actually do that a lot.
5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? No, actually, it's the other way around right now. :( I'm the one who's mad, but I don't want to talk about it.
6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? Of course. 
7. What exactly are you wearing right now? Pink shirt with Pacman on it, and blue shorts with mickey mouse on it.
8. How often do you listen to music? Very often. I'm actually listening to music right now.
9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? Jeans.
10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2012? Well, probably not before, since it's November 2011 right now. But hopefully it will change for the better in 2012.
11. Are you a social or an antisocial person? Mostly antisocial unless I'm around someone I know.
12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’? No, I wish though haha.
13. What about ‘R’? Nope.
14. Can you drive a stick shift? No, I can't even drive a normal car. Just go-carts.
15. Do you care if people talk badly about you? Yes. 
16. Are you going out of town soon? No.
17. When was the last time you cried? Earlier today when I was at the doctor's.
18. Have you ever told someone you loved them? Yes.
19. If you could change your eye color, would you? Yes, I would change them to dark brown.
20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for? Yes. Any of the members of BTR. 
21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. It's only Wednesday.
22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead? Yes.
23. Are you dating the last person you talked to? Haha no.
24. What are you sitting on right now? A chair.
25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you? No.
26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? Yes.
27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? My Mom.
28. Do you get a lot of colds? Used to, not that many anymore though.
29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from? A Wal-Mart on the other side of the state that I live in. I got it when I went down there for my Grandpa's funeral.
30. Does anyone hate you? Probably. But I honestly don't care.
31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room? No. I've never drank in my life.
32. Do you like watching scary movies? No, I'm a chicken.
33. Do you want your tongue pierced? No, I don't like piercings.
34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? This year.
35. Did you have a dream last night? Yep.
36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? 2 Saturdays ago when I was visiting my Grandma who lives in a nursing home.
37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? No.
38. Do you think someone has feelings for you? No.
39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? I'm not sure, I'm not a mind reader.
40. Did you have a good day yesterday? Kind of.
41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? No.
42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl? Not exactly "hang out", but talk to them at school.
43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Yes.
44. What’s the best part about school? Lunch because I'm always hungry. Or dance class.
45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? Yeah. Pretty much anyone who has a Facebook does have pictures on it.
46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? Yep.
47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head? Yes, and I hate it.
48. Were you single over the last summer? Yes.
49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? No. I wish I could go back 2 years. My life was way better.
50. What are you supposed to be doing right now? Nothing actually haha.
51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? No, because I don't talk to people I don't like.
52. Are you nice to everyone? I try to be.
53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yes.
54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? Yes. It's wrong to cheat on people. Why not just break up with them if you are looking for another relationship?
55. Are you good at hiding your feelings? Not sure. I try to hide them though.
56. Do you think you like someone? Yes. Duh.
57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’? Nope.
58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? Girls.
59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry? I don't think so.
60. Do you hate anyone? Not hate, but strongly dislike.
61. How’s your heart? Half of it's shredded into 150 million pieces, and the other half is ripping apart at the seams. 
62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? Yes. Many things.
63. Have you ever cried over a guy? Yes.
64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now? People from school.
65. Are your toenails painted pink? No.
66. Will your next kiss be a mistake? Hopefully not?
67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct? No? Well at least I wouldn't.
68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public? Thankfully no.
69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with? One of my best friends.
70. How do you look right now? Really crappy. I always do when I'm at home, I like to be comfy.
71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? Yes.
72. Can you commit to one person? Yes.
73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? Not everything, but some things.
74. Have you ever felt replaced? Yes. Many times.
75. Did you wake up cranky? I always do on school days. Or on weekends when some idiot calls my home phone really early in the morning.
76. Are you a jealous person? Sometimes.
77. Are relationships ever worth it? Yes, if they don't turn out well, you learn important lessons.
78. Anyone you’re giving up on? No, and probably never will.
79. Currently wanting to see anyone? Yes, everyone that I've known that has died this year.
80. Name something you have to do tomorrow? Go to school.
81. Last person you cried in front of? My mom and my doctor.
82. Is there someone you will never forget? Yes. 99% of the people currently in my life that I care about.
83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you? No, I wish.
84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? Talking.
85. Are you over your past? No. It's going to be a long time before I'm completely over it.
86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? No.
87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? Does myself count?
88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? I guess so? I like presents.
89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in? Yes.
90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? Probably. Not like had a crush on them or anything, just was friends with them.
91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months? No.
92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael? Michael Jackson. JK, I didn't know him. That would be cool if I did though.
93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew? Nope.
94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going? No.
95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March? Sure? I don't understand this question. The person I liked in March is the person I like now.
96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? No, I'm not a lesbian.
97. Who do you have texts from? My friends.
98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? Probably be upset, but deal with it.
99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Does my Grandma count?
100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? No one, just me.
101. Ever kissed under fireworks? No.
102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies? Yes.