Breakdown.

Today was tough. It was going good until we went to visit my grandma.

The day started off great, doing the normal grocery shopping with my mom, then out to lunch at one of my favorite places. Then like every Saturday, we went out to my grandma's nursing home to visit her and take her snacks and other things that she needed. She started talking about how she thinks there's money in this one place. (not saying how much $ or where, it's none of your business.) Even with her having dementia, that's one thing I don't think she'll ever forget. But the next part is the part that hit not only myself, but my mom also very hard. Grandma said "we need to get the money now, because I know my memory is going bad. I may not remember anything a year from now."

My mom sat there silently crying, and I can't explain how I felt. To you, what she said may seem like nothing, but it would kill you inside also if you were having to see your own grandmother basically say that she knows she's forgetting things and is worried about whether she'll remember anything in a year or not.

That isn't the only thing that stabbed me in the heart though. She then proceeded to talk about my grandpa who passed away. How he wanted that money for me to go to college. The next thing she did ripped me into pieces though. She reached over and grabbed a picture. A picture of my grandpa and I.

I broke down. I finally let it out.

All three of us, my grandma, mom, and I sat there crying. Wishing things were back to the way they were, but knowing that it never will be. My grandma looked at me and said "I've never seen you cry before, you are always smiling". That smile I always try to have is fake.

The truth is, I don't know what's fake or real.

It doesn't help that when I got home, things didn't get better. They got worse. I don't want to go into detail though.

I just hope it all ends soon. 2011 has been the worst year of my life. All I can do is hope and pray that 2012 is better.

Happy New Year's eve to me.