Breakdown.

Today was tough. It was going good until we went to visit my grandma.

The day started off great, doing the normal grocery shopping with my mom, then out to lunch at one of my favorite places. Then like every Saturday, we went out to my grandma's nursing home to visit her and take her snacks and other things that she needed. She started talking about how she thinks there's money in this one place. (not saying how much $ or where, it's none of your business.) Even with her having dementia, that's one thing I don't think she'll ever forget. But the next part is the part that hit not only myself, but my mom also very hard. Grandma said "we need to get the money now, because I know my memory is going bad. I may not remember anything a year from now."

My mom sat there silently crying, and I can't explain how I felt. To you, what she said may seem like nothing, but it would kill you inside also if you were having to see your own grandmother basically say that she knows she's forgetting things and is worried about whether she'll remember anything in a year or not.

That isn't the only thing that stabbed me in the heart though. She then proceeded to talk about my grandpa who passed away. How he wanted that money for me to go to college. The next thing she did ripped me into pieces though. She reached over and grabbed a picture. A picture of my grandpa and I.

I broke down. I finally let it out.

All three of us, my grandma, mom, and I sat there crying. Wishing things were back to the way they were, but knowing that it never will be. My grandma looked at me and said "I've never seen you cry before, you are always smiling". That smile I always try to have is fake.

The truth is, I don't know what's fake or real.

It doesn't help that when I got home, things didn't get better. They got worse. I don't want to go into detail though.

I just hope it all ends soon. 2011 has been the worst year of my life. All I can do is hope and pray that 2012 is better.

Happy New Year's eve to me.

Things to Stop Doing To Yourself.

After the last blog that I posted a few minutes ago, I decided to google "things to stop doing to yourself." I found a list of 30 great things that most people should quit doing to themselves. I'm not going to post all 30, but I will post my favorites and the ones I feel that affect me. If you're interested in reading the rest, go to http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

Something I Saw on Facebook.

Here's something I found on Facebook. I agree with this quote.

"Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends."

Christmas.

Yesterday was a good day. Of course it had it's ups and downs though (like when my dad and grandma were talking about how some woman caused the bruise on her arm, and how my grandma walked into her room and told her off).

I woke up at about 8:30, which is actually late for me considering it's Christmas. Usually on Christmas, I'm up at 7 running around like a hyper squirrel. After about 5 minutes of waiting to open gifts, I gave my mom her gift. Crossword puzzles. I know that sounds stupid, but she loves to do those. I gave my dad his presents, a Dale Earnhardt Jr. race car thing with candy in it, and some cologne. Then I finally opened mine.

Here's what I got:
A bottle of nail polish
Nail polish remover
A gift card to Starbucks (I LOVE Starbucks.)
A Visa Gift Card (I can use it anywhere, even online.)
Money
2 Nintendo DS Games
Then the most amazing gift ever, a Big Time Rush blanket. It's AWESOME. It has their faces on it.

After I opened gifts, I made a chocolate pie which was for dessert last night. Then I cleaned up all of the wrapping paper and junk laying in a huge pile in the middle of the dining room. (Yes, our tree is in the dining room, my house is small.)

At about 12, we went and picked up my grandma from the nursing home. We got a call earlier in the day from her living facility saying that she went in some old woman's room and told that lady off. Both my mom and I thought she was going to be in a terrible mood, but surprisingly she wasn't. That was a miracle.

We ate supper at 3. There was SO much food. We had ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans with cheese sauce on them (YUM!), and dinner rolls. Unfortunately we forgot the chocolate pie I made until after grandma went home. So we really didn't have dessert until about 2 hours after supper.

That was pretty much my day yesterday. Now I have to go after Christmas shopping with my mom and aunt. This should be an adventure.

Craziness.

Wow time goes by quick. I can't believe that tomorrow is going to be Christmas Eve already! I can't wait for this year to finally be over.

Today was a great day. It was nice to finally spend time with people who care about me and aren't complete b-words. I haven't been stressed at all today. We cooked a LOT of food for tomorrow's party at my grandma's. The best part was getting to try that food lol. After cooking for about 5 hours at grandmas, I came home and baked cookies to take up there tomorrow. Usually I am the worst cookie baker in the world, but they actually came out REALLY good. I'm proud of myself.

Tomorrow is going to be non-stop. I'm going to do the normal grocery shopping/lunch that I do every Saturday. After that, I'm going to go visit my grandma who lives in a nursing home. She's the one I'm always writing about that has dementia. Then I finally get to go to my other grandma's party with my dad's side of the family. They are awesome. It feels like I barely see them though since I'm always doing things with my mom's side of the family (whom I strongly dislike for multiple reasons) now since my grandma lives in the same city I do. So it's going to be really nice to finally relax and have fun (and eat a LOT) tomorrow night.

BTR.

I just want to take a quick minute to write about how much Big Time Rush means to me. Of course, you're probably thinking "she's obsessed with them, that's all she talks about". If you think that, you don't understand. It feels like they have been there for me when no one else has. They are the ones who have made me happy on my worst days. Even if I don't know them personally, it's nice to have something that makes you smile and laugh when you feel like giving everything up. They mean the world to me, and I don't know what I would do without them.
(I'm going to post some funny BTR gif's, hopefully they'll work.)

Thank you Big Time Rush for everything you do.

Edit: Crap, the GIF's won't move on here.
Oh well, the pics are still funny.

Symptoms/Ranting

This is going to be the stupidest blog post ever, but I realized that a lot of strange things have been happening to me recently.

- I got a strange rash on my arm last Monday, and it REALLY burned. It started in one patch, then it spread throughout my arm in tiny dots.

- My eye keeps twitching off and on, and I have no clue why. It's really irritating though.

- My right eye was blurry all day Sunday. It was freaking me out. But now I can see out of it, luckily.

- I keep feeling faint whenever I stand for a long time. I've been to the doctor three times in the past 2 months to try to figure out what's making me do that. I even have had blood taken twice. My doctor came to the conclusion about a month and a half ago that it was stress causing it, and to come back if it happened anymore, because that would mean something is seriously wrong. It's happened about 4 times since he said that though, and every time I tell my parents, they just say "if it happens again, then we'll take you to the doctor". I'm scared I'm going to actually faint like during Spanish class in April.

- I keep coughing, but I think that's just a cold or something.

- I've been unhappy. I blame that on this year.

The bell is going to ring, so I better get going.

Things We Have To Face.

No matter who you are, you have to go through hard things in your life. Some people have it worse than others. But the hard part is getting through your problems. Waking up and knowing that everything's fine, and you have survived another day. It's hard to be grateful for anything when you have been pushed so far. You keep getting pushed and pushed further, until you're standing on the edge of the cliff wondering if you should jump. No one's pushing you now, it's your own decision. You want to scream, but if you do people will think there is something mentally wrong with you. The boss always yells and tells you what to do. But why should you follow their orders? What makes them better than you? You are your own person, you should do what you want to do.

What do you say when your grandma comes up to you and says "I know I'm forgetting things, is that ok?" You know deep down that it's not ok, it will never get better. But you manage to choke out a "yes" and try to hold back your tears. The same tears that have been trapped inside for what feels like forever. There's nothing you can do.

What do you do when someone keeps bringing up something that you want to erase from your memory? You're forced to listen to it, the words echoing in your ears, traveling to your brain. You can't quit thinking about it now. One word is all it takes to make you break. You can't bring him back. He's gone. But you can't face that, so you try to forget about it. It won't get better. It will never get better.

Questions

Why do people do things that they know is only going to hurt others? Do they enjoy knowing that the other person feels like nothing now? Why do people constantly bring up something that makes you so upset? Do they enjoy the fact that you want to run far away to a place where you can finally be understood, not judged, but you can't so you sit there trying not to cry but on the inside you're dying? Repeating the same thing over and over until I can't handle it anymore and finally have a breakdown. Is that fun? Is someone getting entertained by that? Will things ever get better? Why can't we get over things, no matter how hard we try? Why do I have to pretend to be happy, even though I'm not? Does anyone understand me?

I Can't Fight How I Feel.

I'm not in the best mood right now. I'm about 5% happy that it's Friday, but the other 95% of me is sad and angry.

I was having a good day yesterday until I received a Christmas card in the mail from someone in my family. I opened it up, and the first word I saw made me instantly break down. They wrote my dad's name, my mom's name, my name, and then the name of my dog that died. They must not have known that he died. It killed me inside though. It hurts to think about him. I ended up throwing the card and going in the bathroom to cry. I've been doing that in the bathroom a lot the last 9 months, because I don't like to cry in front of people. Plus I'm tired of people wondering what's wrong, because they don't understand.

It's crazy how one thing can change your entire day. My mood can change in less than a second.

Sunday, my grandma is coming over to bake cookies. That's something my grandpa, my grandma and I used to do every time they visited. But now he's gone. I'm not emotionally prepared to do this, because I know that she's going to talk about him constantly. I have a feeling I'm going to be crying in the bathroom a lot Sunday.

I wish I could lock myself in the bathroom and never leave.

"Overachiever"

What's so bad about being the "good kid who never gets in trouble"? I'm called an overachiever, a nerd, and goody-goody, and many other things just because I do my work and don't get in any trouble. People think that I'm too "good" to know about anything bad or do anything bad. They act like I'm stupid.

But honestly, I'd rather be an "overachiever" instead of someone who fails and has to work at McDonalds for the rest of their life for minimum wage. I'd rather be the "one who never gets into fights" than be arrested for assault. I'd rather be safe in my own house instead of being on the street doing something I shouldn't be doing. I'd rather be healthy instead of smoking, drinking, and getting high like most of the people in my school. I'd rather succeed in life than fail.

Lyrics

Invisible by Big Time Rush♥

do you ever wonder, when you listen to the thunder
and your world just feels so small
put yourself on the line and time after time
keep feeling inside that they don’t know you’re alive
are you out of mind or just invisible

but i won’t let you fall
i’ll see you, through them all
and i just wanna let you know

oh, when the lights go down in the city
you’ll be right there shining bright
you’re a star and the sky’s the limit
and i’ll be right by your side
oh, you know, you’re not invisible to me
oh, you know, you’re not gonna be invisible

do you ever think of, what you’re standing at the brink of
feel like giving up, but you just can’t walk away
and night after night, always trying to decide
are you gonna speak out or get lost in the crowd
do you take a chance or stay invisible?

but i won’t let you fall
i’ll see you, through them all
and i just wanna let you know


oh, when the lights go down in the city
you’ll be right there shining bright
you’re a star and the sky’s the limit
and i’ll be right by your side
oh, you know, you’re not invisible to me
oh, you know, you’re not gonna be invisible

gotta look far, i’ll be where you are
i wish you could see what i see
so don’t ask why, just look inside
baby it’s all you need
and i don’t understand why you won’t (you won’t)
take my hand and go
cause you’re so beautiful
and every time that

oh, when the lights go down in the city
you’ll be right there shining bright
you’re a star and the sky’s the limit
and i’ll be right by your side
oh, you know, you’re not invisible to me
oh, you know, you’re not gonna be invisible

oh, when the lights go down in the city
you’ll be right there shining bright
you’re a star and the sky’s the limit
and i’ll be right by your side
oh, you know, you’re not invisible to me
oh, you know, you’re not gonna be invisible

The Worst Year of My Life

This is for anyone who is wondering why most of my blogs sound so depressing, and for people who are wondering what's happened to me this year. (these aren't in order by the way.)

1. My dog dies. This started off my terrible year. I miss him so much. I think about him everyday, and still cry because he's not here.

2. My grandpa dies the day after my dog died. I was definitely not ready for this. I thought that the surgery he needed would go fine, and everything would be ok. But he got an infection and died. I miss him sooooo much. Even though he wasn't technically my real grandpa, just my step-grandpa, I still loved him and thought of him as my real grandpa and I always will.

3. My grandma (the one who was married to my grandpa) gets dementia, and can't take care of herself. This has really hit my whole family hard. It's really hard to see someone you love so much go through this disease. The part that hurts the worse is that it's only going to get worse, and someday she will forget who I am. I'm not ready for that.

4. Some crazy lady (not going to say her name) get's power of attorney over my grandma, puts her in a nursing home in the middle of nowhere, and steals her money. We are STILL fighting over this. I don't really want to get into details though.

5. My mom becomes guardian of my grandma and we bring my grandma to the city I live in. This is still crazy to me. There's so much stress that my whole family is going through because of this. It is a good thing though that my grandma lives close to us, and we can spend time with her.

6. Three trips across the state and back. This is the most I've traveled in my entire life. My grandma and grandpa used to live clear across the state from us since my aunt lives in that city also. (Not saying where, in case you're a creeper.) The first trip was in March for my Grandpa's funeral. I was down there for four days then. The second trip was in April after the crazy woman put my grandma in a nursing home in the middle of nowhere and took over her life. We went down there to try to at least see my grandma, but we were banned from seeing her. It's pretty stupid when you get banned from seeing your own grandma. But that's what happened. We even called a cop, and he couldn't help us. The woman had control of everything, and she didn't let us see her. That trip was quick but very stressful. The third and last trip was in June, and that was to finally get my grandma. That was fast also, one day down there, one day back, but it was rewarding. To know my grandma was safe and I could see her was amazing.

This year has changed me, and I might not ever be the same.

Here we go again.

More worries. Just when I think I have enough stuff to think about and stress over, more happens. It seems like I can't control it either. It's all around me, and it's going into my brain and I can't quit thinking about it. There's nothing I can do to stop it. It keeps coming, more and more each day. It feels like no one can understand it except me. I have no idea what to do about it though. No one will help me.

My grandma is getting worse. It's getting really hard for me to see her. She complains a lot, and we are getting a lot of phone calls from her living facility that she is being bad. I'm worried about her because I know that it's only going to get worse, not better. The disease will slowly eat her brain. Just like everything else, there's nothing I can do about it. I can't stop it.

I don't even know what's happening every day until it happens. I used to know everything that was going on. Now I don't. I'm not happy about anything. I honestly think that there's something wrong with me and that I need to see a doctor. I'm never happy. Yesterday was really strange. I don't know if it was just everything catching up to me from the last year or what. I was really sad and angry. I have nothing to be excited about. I know, you're probably thinking "well, Christmas is coming up, she should be excited for that!" I'm not, because all it's going to be is a s*** load of family drama. I'm not looking forward to that at all. You'd understand if you were in my shoes.

I try not to tell anyone about all of this, because I figure if they are like me, they have enough stuff to worry about. Plus if I tell anyone, they won't care. They'll just say "ok." People are so self-centered. That's why we have this screwed up world.

It's a never ending battle, but I have to keep fighting.

Quick Update/Madrigal

Sorry I haven't been blogging that much. I've been SUPER busy with family and school activities. Yesterday night and Friday night was Madrigal. It was ok Friday until some idiot people messed everything up, so then everyone was in a bad mood. In my opinion though, yesterday sucked. It was crazy, and people younger than me were trying to boss me around. I hate being bossed around, no matter who it is. So that really pissed me off, and I'm not in the best of moods today either. Life would be better if people had manners and respect for others.

No More

There's only so much a heart can take. Mine's holding way too much now, and it feels like it's about ready to quit working.
I haven't been happy in a long time. Every since March, I've done nothing but worry. I know that's a bad thing. Stress isn't good for anyone. I feel gone almost, like I'm not here. Sure, I act like I'm happy at school, but I'm not. It feels like no one cares about my feelings, they just want me to feel worse. Everyone is too wrapped up in their own drama. That's how I should start being though. No one else cares, so why should I? It's killing me having to worry about ten times more than I should be worrying about. 15 year olds should be enjoying life, not having to go through what I'm going through. I want it all to be over. I'm sorry if I offend anyone, or if anyone thinks I'm selfish for this, but if you've been going through what I've been going through, you would understand.