Yesterday and some other junk.

It's been about a week since I've written, and it feels like forever. I just didn't want to write a blog rambling about fifty different things and how everything sucks.

Yesterday, one of my friends and I visited a college. It was the college I really want to go to, but the only way I can go to any college is by getting a bunch of scholarships because my family can't afford to send me to college. We are lucky just to have decent food to eat.

I had a great time yesterday. For the first time in a long time, I had a good day. Everyone had to fill out information cards with your name, address, and phone number, then they stuck all of them into a box. Later I found out that they put all of them in a box so they could have a drawing type thing where you could win prizes. Literally a minute before they started drawing names, I turned to my friend and said "I hope I don't win, I'll be so embarrassed". I said that because there was anywhere from 100-150 of my fellow classmates, and to get the prize the people would call my name and I would have to get up in front of everyone. Guess who's name got pulled first though? Mine. I guess it is a good thing though, because I got a free t-shirt from the college I plan on attending.

Lunch was insane yesterday though. They had a super good buffet at the college, and everyone was trying to get food at once so it was like a crazy mob of people.

I just ate a pizza lunchable because I'm at lunch, and I have a nasty aftertaste in my mouth. Water is not helping right now.

I was so mad earlier that I completely pealed all of the fingernail polish off two nails. I do that when I'm extremely mad.

I'm in Microsoft Office right now. We are going to do desktop publishing lessons today so that should be easy because I was in desktop publishing last semester. Yay.

"She's really going through it, isn't she?"

Yes she is. But she's not the only one suffering. No one thinks about how it is to be living like I am. Their focus is always on someone else. No one thinks that the daughter/granddaughter/friend is going through all of it, if not more too. I am though. Probably even worse than they are. I feel like things will never get better. No one listens or even acknowledges my point of view and how things are effecting me. I'm in this battle by myself.

I just wish I could crush it all. Even to get rid of it for one day would be miraculous. I don't think I'll ever be able to escape it. I try to keep going, but it's extremely difficult when everywhere you go you hear the constant screaming.
You can't get away.

Sometimes I sit and think. What's going to happen to me if things keep going the way they are? Will I end up being a total mess? I already am on the inside, but what if all of this anger and sadness actually explodes someday for the whole world to see? Will someone finally understand?

I try to be there for other people. It's hard helping someone else though when you're broken.

I'm sick right now. Luckily I'm at my grandma's house. I can actually relax here without focusing on the pain. I'm understood here.

Tomorrow I have to go to a cardiologist to see if something with my heart is causing me to faint. I'm not going to lie, I'm extremely scared.

That's all for now.

Strange.

This is going to be a strange blog post. I'm sitting all by myself at lunch and don't have anyone to talk to, so I decided to talk to my computer. This will probably be extremely random.

I have to make up a Field Biology quarter test after school. I had no idea that I even missed it until the teacher told me today. So that sucks. My mom is also going to talk to my choir teacher and explain my fainting problem to him and that I'm going to a cardiologist next Friday and I'm possibly going to a neurologist on July 2nd. I'm going to be running all over after school.

I have Microsoft Office next. I've written in this blog before about that class, so I won't write about it today. It's super easy and awesome though.

I can't really think of anything else going on.

My grandma called my mom last night and screamed at her about a pair of new glasses. Then my mom decided to put the phone on speaker so I could even hear it. Lovely. What else is new. So for about an hour straight last night all I heard was complaining.

One of my friends just got on I.M. so I'm going to go talk to her.

Fainting and the Doctor.

Wow. Ever since Tuesday, things have been extremely crazy. This week has not been a good one at all. I'm so happy that it's finally Friday. *Starts mentally singing "Friday" by Rebecca Black.*

Tuesday, there was a choir concert at my school. I had choir class last period Tuesday which was a good thing because then we could rehearse the same day of the concert. We had to stand on the risers in the auditorium to practice because that's where the concert was going to be later that night. I stood on the risers and we started practicing. About ten minutes later I felt like I was going to faint. I felt extremely strange all of the sudden. Suddenly, all I could see was the color gray. I had to sit, or else I would've completely fainted. (This has happened many times before too. The first time this happened was in eighth grade, and my friends took me to the nurses office. It didn't happen again until April of last year while in Spanish class. That time I did completely faint. It's happened very frequently this year though.) Anyway, I sat down for about five minutes. I got back up and felt the same way again, so I sat down. During the hour and a half of choir class, I almost fainted a total of four times.

Later that night was the choir concert. I wasn't nervous about it, but I was nervous about my fainting problem. I told myself that I would be fine though, since we'd only be on stage for about ten minutes. I was wrong. It was time to perform, so we went on stage. I did fine for about five minutes. We were almost done with our second song when I started feeling strange again. I tried to just look down, but that didn't help. When I looked back up, I couldn't see anything. Everything was gray. I sat down.

Once I sat down, I was fine. I began to see again within thirty seconds. I didn't get back up though because if I did, I would just have to sit down because I'd feel faint all over again. I sat until the end of the last song, then I got up and walked off of the stage with everyone else.

When I got back in the choir room to hang my robe up after performing, I was still freaked out. I was extremely embarrassed for having to sit in front of not only our choir, but the entire audience. People I've barely spoken to in my life were coming up to me and asking me if I was alright and what happened. I told them that I was ok (but on the inside I really wasn't) and that I almost fainted so I had to sit down.

About a minute after I hung my robe up, my mom came storming into the choir room. I got nervous because she was really upset and crying. She hugged me and I started crying because I knew I wasn't ok. One of the things I hate the most and the thing I'm most terrified of is crying in front of people. I cried in front of the people in my choir. That rose my level of embarrassment even more. Of course, people started circling around me and hugging me and saying that I did good. I honestly don't feel like I "did good" because if I did good, I wouldn't have had to sit down. I wouldn't have almost fainted.

My mom, a friend and I walked out of the choir room and into the hallway so more people wouldn't see me upset. I saw my dad standing in the hallway. My friend wiped some of my tears because I didn't have a tissue. My mom told me to take drinks out of the water fountain, so I did. Water never tasted so good before. My mom said that there is definitely something wrong with me since I fainted a total of 5 times that day. She decided that I need to go to the doctor. Inside, I was so happy. I've known for a while that something is wrong with me, but no one would do anything about it. I thought that finally something would be done, and I'd be alright again. Back to the way things used to be what feels like forever ago before it all happened.

We talked in the hallway for about ten minutes. People kept walking by and staring. My parents said that they were going to find my choir teacher and tell him that we are going home since I almost fainted. They never found my choir teacher, but they found a different one and told him, and he said that's fine and that we can go. We left and gave my friend a ride home because she didn't have a ride. I still was crying.

I ended up crying that whole night until I went to bed. I kept wondering what was wrong, what people think of me now, how embarrassing the whole situation was.

Wednesday I went to school, and everything was normal. Only two people asked what happened, and I explained it to them. When school was over, I walked to our car and my mom told me that I have a doctors appointment Thursday at 11:05 and that I wouldn't be going to school.

Yesterday came, and I went to the doctor. I'm not going to lie, I was extremely nervous. What was wrong? Will they find out? I didn't know. The doctor was running behind which made me even more nervous. Finally they called my name. The nurse took my blood pressure and asked me what was going on. I told her that I almost fainted five times Tuesday. She left, and it seemed like forever until my doctor finally came in. By this time, I was so scared.

He asked me to stand up. I stood up, and he asked if I had back problems. I said no. He had me bend over and touch my toes so he could see if my spine was messed up. Luckily it wasn't. He asked me some more questions. He told my mom and I that I should have some blood work done again. We walked down the hall to get to where they would take my blood. Usually it doesn't hurt when my blood is drawn, but they took two tubes and it really hurt this time. The lady who took my blood told me that I have to have an EKG. I was extremely freaked out then. I knew what that was thanks to an episode of Big Time Rush. (See, BTR does teach people things.) The EKG was way easier than I thought it would be. All they did was put sticky things (almost like a sticky note) on my legs, wrists, and stomach. After the EKG, one of the nurse ladies led me into the bathroom where I had to take a urine test. That was terrible, I peed all over my hand haha. It's not as easy peeing in a tiny cup as you think it is.

After all of the tests were over, my mom and I walked back to the room where my doctor was. He told us that he wants me to see a Neurologist but no one in the city I live in will accept patients under the age of 18, so I'd have to go to a larger city about an hour and a half away that has a childrens hospital. They told us that they could set up the appointment, then we left.

About four hours after we got home, the doctors office called and told us that they set up the appointment with the neurologist for June 1st. I thought that was crazy because I'm obviously going to have more fainting spells before then, plus more than likely I'll be halfway across the country on that day. My mom told them that it wouldn't work.

Then about an hour later, the doctor's office called again and they said that my doctor didn't want me to wait that long to get in somewhere because this is serious, so he is going to set up an appointment with a cardiologist in my city for me. I still don't know when that will be.

That's been the last few days for me. Tomorrow is going to be just as crazy. Wish me luck.

Alone Again.

Well, I'm alone again. It seems that this has been happening a lot lately. I'm at lunch right now. I have no clue where my usual "lunchmates" are right now.

Today has been going really good actually. I'm surprisingly in a good mood. Today is one year since my grandpa died though, so I keep thinking about him and get a little sad, but I'm doing ok.

About two hours ago, a speaker came and visited my school. His name is Dr. Victor Rios. I usually get bored and hate assemblies, but I truly liked this one and it had a positive message. He talked about his past experiences and troubles he has went through, but that didn't stop him from going to college and having a good life. After the assembly, I had to stay and take a picture with everyone else in my school that is wearing pink today.(This week is spirit week, today is wear pink day.) Dr. Rios stayed and met with students after the assembly so after the pictures were taken I met him and shook his hand.

That's pretty much been my day so far. Tonight I have a choir concert which I am not looking forward to though. Wish me luck!

Alone.

I'm alone. My mom is taking my grandma to a psychiatrist. Today has actually been an alright day until now.

I usually like being alone. I can do whatever I want. But right now, it's not good for me to be alone because I am thinking about everything that has happened in the last year. I always hold back my tears when other people are around because one of the things I hate the most is crying in front of people. Right now the tears are streaming down my face though and it feels like there aren't enough tissues in the world to clean them all up.

Yesterday one of my great uncles died. What's really crazy is that his wife died about two hours before he did. Then my dad said that my grandma's sister had a stroke and is in the hospital.

Today marks exactly one year that I've been going through all of this. One terrible, miserable year. One year ago today, my dog died. His death is still extremely hard on me because I had him since I was 7. I'll never forget the phone call with my dad that day. I'll never forget trying to go through Wal-Mart without completely breaking down. A year ago today started the worst year of my life.

One year ago tomorrow, my grandpa died. I'm not completely over that either. I miss him so much. I miss making cookies with him and then putting frosting and sprinkles on them. I think of him every time I see a cookie. He may have not been my grandpa through blood, (actually my step-grandpa) but he was still my grandpa to me and I loved him. I still do, and I miss him so much.

I've been through so much in the last year. The deaths I just mentioned are only part of it.

All I can do is hope that everything gets better.
I can barely handle everything as it is, so I don't know what I'll do if it gets any worse.

Lunch.

I'm at lunch right now. Even though there is someone else sitting in the booth with me, you might as well say I'm by myself because I barely know this person and have never had a conversation with her. The only thing I've said to her this whole lunch has been "do you want my chips?". I'm really confused and lonely right now.

Lunch gets over in a few minutes so this isn't going to be a long blog. Some time if I feel like I can emotionally handle it, I will write a longer blog about what's been happening.

At least I can relax next class, I have Microsoft Office. I don't really need the class because I know almost everything in there, but I still enjoy it. It's easy and the teacher is hilarious. I always have a smile on my face in there.

75% remaining of my netbook battery and I just turned it on. Why does the battery on this thing always drain so fast? It gets irritating, especially when I have a bunch of work to do.

Lunch is over now and I'm in Microsoft Office. We have a test in here today. This should be interesting. I just looked on the teachers desk, and there is something on it that's either a rock or a giant eraser. I can't tell.

Someone is talking using an accent and I can't quit laughing. This is why I love this class.

Update.

I haven't posted a blog in a very long time. I've been extremely busy with homework and life in general. I finally have a minute to write, so I decided to update my blog.

Another reason I haven't written any blogs in a long time is because there are things going on that I don't want the public to know. I am so fed up even reminding myself of them. Everyday I get constantly reminded, and every day I feel worse. I can't escape it. No one will listen either.

Nine minutes left of class. I'm actually in P.E. right now, but I secretly escaped and went into a hallway.

I don't even know what to do anymore. It feels like I can't handle everything. I wonder if people enjoy knowing that I'm hurt, because it feels like it. Either that or no one understands.

I better get going before I get trampled by about 100 people. I'm invisible in this place.