Everything.

I'm in English. I just got done with the work that was required to do, so I'm going to write a short blog post.

I've said this so many times. Now I'm going to say it once more. It feels like no one in this world understands me.

I've been going through so much since March 2011. I lost both my Grandpa and my dog. I still can't get over that. It hurts so much to think about them. My whole family has been affected also by my Grandma's Dementia. It's a very hard thing to struggle with, even if you're not the patient. Just watching someone go through it is miserable. So if anyone out there knows someone with Dementia or Alzheimer's, my heart goes out to you. It's not easy at all. The constant phone calls, trips to and from the living facility where she lives have been tiring me out since the end of June. My mom and I have left where she lives more times than I can count in tears. But there's nothing you can do to stop it.

Then on top of all of that, I have to deal with school. The people here don't understand anything. Most people actually don't even know what I'm going through because of that fake smile that's always stuck on my face. In a way, I want them to know so it would feel like someone actually cares. But I don't want them to know because they probably wouldn't understand, just like everyone else.

It really hurts that I've been there for so many people, but almost no one is there for me. No one sits down and talks to me about how I feel. No one says "I'm sorry you're going through such hard times". No one cares. They are in their own world. In a way, I don't blame them. But it still hurts to know that no matter what happens, no one is there for me. They'll just say one word, and not even pay attention to what I think and say. It feels like the only thing I have is myself.

I had what I think was a panic attack Monday night. I was laying in bed thinking about everything that's been happening. All of the sudden it felt like I was choking, and I could barely breathe. I started shaking and crying. For some reason, I thought I was going to die.

It's all too much. I can't handle anymore. I don't know what I'll do if anything else happens.